Sunday, September 25, 2011

The government is taking over Antarctica, and penguins DO NOT HAVE SEX

There's no way to properly lead you into this conversation. I can't even blame it on the alcohol because it occurred at work when we were both completely sober. The link might be NSFW. I never clicked it so I still have no idea what it actually is. I really hope it's not penguin porn, but if it is, it's Mike's fault, so email him your angry complaints. I'm just an innocent bystander.

Mike [at an event where the Lt. Governor is speaking]: The Lt. Governor is pro mutant. I have a picture of her with Cyclops (or "Cyclone" as she called him). Gays are kind of like mutants, right?

Kayla: Yes. Gays are JUST like mutants.

Mike: I thought so. I actually don't want to be here. Makes me uncomfortable. And lunch is free, but I don't know what or when it is and that bothers me too.

Kayla: They've probably lured you all into a room so they can spray you with this mutant spray that's going to turn you into an unstoppable army. And then they'll use it to take over the WORLD.

Mike: Probs.

Kayla: But probably only the shitty parts of the world that nobody cares about. Because that's all the government is really interested in.

Mike: True.

Kayla: You'll probably take over Antarctica or some stupid shit like that and defeat all the penguins. And then there will be suicide bomber penguins running all over the damn place.

Mike: But I like penguins. =(

Kayla: I do too, but not suicide bomber penguins. If it's going to be us or them, I choose us. FUCK the penguins. Figuratively, of course. Wait. Do penguins have sex? I can't even imagine how that would look.

Kayla: Is that a video of penguin sex?

Mike: Yes. Basically penguin porn.

Kayla: I'm afraid to watch it. I think I'm just going to pretend it happens the way I've always pictured it in my head.

Mike: How do you picture it?

Kayla: Well, the mom penguin lays an egg. The dad penguin kisses it (never figured out how that would work with a beak though) and then holds onto it while the mom goes partying because laying eggs is REALLY stressful and she's gotta unwind with a few martinis. Then somehow the egg becomes fertilized, probably through magic, and then the egg opens and voila! baby penguin! And then they all sing and dance. Unless you end up with a defective penguin baby that sucks at singing. Wait. This sounds really familiar. DEJA VU! Gross. Now I'm thinking about other animals having sex. This is just wrong. IT'S ALL MAGIC. I'm going to tell my kids that. "Mom, where do babies come from?" "MAGIC."

That's how penguins are made, right guys? You know what? Nevermind. I still don't want to know. I'm going to go watch Happy Feet and enjoy my little bubble of innocent ignorance. You sickos can keep your penguin porn to yourselves.


  1. Ha Ha Ha...I totally want to click that link, but alas I am at work and need my job. Maybe later!

  2. Haha! No use losing your job over a little penguin porn I suppose. ;)

  3. Oh man. I should never have clicked that link. It wasn't the was all the crazy stuff down the right side that I found myself clicking with morbid fascination. I had no idea there were so many videos of animals having sex on YouTube!

    There was one, though, that had the best caption ever: "Gorillas going at it at the Bronx Zoo. Totally worth the 6 bucks it took to get in." LMFAO!!!

  4. I still have yet to click that link. I just don't want to know. I like my delusional view of the world. But these captions are making me curiouser and curiouser...

  5. Trust me, you don't want to! What you see CANNOT be UNseen. And that caption I mentioned was the ONLY good one. (You don't want to know what the most offensive one was. I'm not easy to offend, usually, but it was pretty bad.)

    I feel slightly traumatized. The next time I take my kids to the Milwaukee Zoo, I'm going to avoid the rhinos like the freaking plague. *shudder*