Monday, October 3, 2011

Creepy Old Vampires

So I recently listened to the audio books of Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse and am about to finish reading Breaking Dawn. First I'm going to get it out of the way that I'm an adult man reading the Twilight saga by suggesting that you read this article which outlines, very frankly, the type of man that reads Twilight. Anyways, I listened to the first three books and didn't read them because I've seen the 3 movies that are already out and really don't have the free time to commit to reading something I already know the story of. So, I listened while at my day job.

First I would like to comment on the lovely young lady who does the reading, Ilyana Kadushin. She does a great job, most of the time. In fact, I only have one issue with her reading: how she does Edward's voice. I understand that she is trying to sound masculine, but she ends up making him sound like a middle aged, female, chain smoker. NOT SEXY. AT ALL. Totally takes away from the vampie's appeal. :/

Second I would like to comment on the character of Edward himself. In my world we have a name for people of his true age chasing after people Bella's age: creepy old men. Just after learning Edward's true age I sent a message to Kayla:

Me: We acknowledge that Edward is just a creepy old man, right?

But he sparkles.
So it's okay.
OMG. Dior is coming out with ADHESIVE eyeliner <-- Note: we seem unable to limit ourselves to one conversation at a time -- more to come on that later.


I have one issue with her response: all gay men sparkle. So, in my world, I still don't see the difference.


  1. Mike, he's 17 forever. Yes he's been on the Earth for 100+ years, but his body is still 17. Besides everyone knows that vampires are the pervs of the immortal world.

  2. Don't even get me started on the 100 year-old virgin thing!

  3. Coincidentally, I did the same thing a little while back. I listened to the audiobooks, which were fun, and then half read, half listened to the last one. I wasn't so much bothered by the Sugar Daddy Edward bit as I was by the vaguely pedophiley Jacob plot twists. Also, the random moments of switching over to that guy who reads the Jacob sections were really annoying, especially when he was trying to do the voice of a little girl.

    I think I lost about 14 butch points just for admitting all of this...


    Yeah the pedophilia is weird, but, honestly, I'm just happy Jacob found someone so he will quit whining. Though it will be weird if she's physically mature at 7... Haven't finished it yet (tonight) so I don't know how far we see into the future.

    And don't feel bad about the butch points; I'm not sure I even have 14 to lose.

  5. @Sara I couldn't agree more. Although I do think Mike's right about the 100-year-old virgin stuff. I mean, seriously Edward?

    @Daniel No way, you get 30 butch points for manning up and admitting all of this.

    @Mike Darling, you've been drinking BEER, so you have at least 15 butch points by now. <3

  6. HAHA you guys crack me up. I love reading your posts.

  7. The part of the Twilight series I find so hilarious is that, according to Meyer, vampires cannot produce sperm. But Edward's body acted like a refrigerator and stored his last human sperm in his body, warped by the vampire venom, until he came to gently (ha!) plant it in Bella's womb.

    Which means, for those playing at home, that Edward has not once, in his 100 years, ejaculated. That goes waaaaaay beyond virgin. His balls should have just fallen off this point according to most medical experts (me).

    I love the films, though, they are WILDLY hilarious.

  8. Nobody diss anything about Twilight. Mike knows that I'm someone with very serious taste in literature thanks to my English literature major and yet Twilight is something that I will fight to the death about. Edward is *not* a creepy old man, Mike, but a dreamy 17 forever sex god. And don't you forget it.

    And it is a big deal that Dior is coming out with adhesive eyeliner. That was totally worth mentioning in the same text. Besides, she talks about glitter which sort of fits the makeup addict theme.

    Love you two.
    ♥ Jessica

  9. Alright, who am I kidding, I'm just bitter that I don't have an Edward of my own!

  10. @Bethany the Martian You made me laugh so hard at work I had to pretend I was choking. It's super icky if you think too hard about it. But then again, so are most things. =/

    @Jessica Who doesn't want a dreamy 17 forever sex god? Except he's eternally underage and therefore eternally off limits. UPSETTING! And the Dior liner was completely relevant, so thank you for defending that. PS: I heard it's AWFUL but I still want to see someone wear it. LOVE YOU! <3

    @Mike *sigh* Me too, love. Me too.

  11. Considering the guy was born in the early 1900's, a post Victorian time where parents often put spiked cages around male teens' genitals to prevent erections (, I am just surprised he was capable of fertilizing Bella at all. I'll bet they only did it once, 'cause it was all weird and sticky and ruined the purity of their love.

  12. OH. MY. GOD. OUCHIE!!!

  13. FINALLY someone else realizes that Edward is a creepy old man. If I want to read about creepy old men fetishizing young women, I'll read Lolita again.

    Which, I believe, is about werewolves chasing after young tail. Right?

  14. I've never read that one, but now I'm curious. =)

  15. Okay, can I just say, I stumbled upon your blog via the advisement of the blogging goddess that is the bloggess... (think I just worked out the true meaning of that title... Wow I'm slow!) and I kinda love you guys. Looking forward to reading more. Also twilight is a guilty pleasure that is awesome... Anything that sparkles is awesome. Probably another reason why I love this blog.

  16. Can I just say, I kinda love you. And not just because I'm already drunk at 6pm. Well. That might be part of it. But thank you for stopping by and commenting! =D We're having such a blast with this blog so I'm glad people are enjoying it.

  17. Yes, we LOVE you!!! And I'm not drunk. Yet. <3 <3

  18. Call me old-school, but when it comes to hot vampire dudes, I still think Angel from Buffy takes the cake (and can eat said cake out of my cleavage if he's so inclined).