Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Penguins 4 Sale!!!

Mike and I were watching Batman Returns and Mike was really disturbed when [SPOILER ALERT] the penguins came out and pushed Penguin's body into the water.
[Here's a video for reference: http://youtu.be/twrvftwNZJY ]

Mike: Those aren't real penguins right? Penguins aren't that big.

Kayla: Yes they are. Emperor penguins get that big. Like the ones in Happy Feet.

Mike: WHAT? *grabs onto my arm* No no no no no no that's so SCARY! Those aren't penguins, they're MUTANTS.

Kayla: Mike, they're penguins. What's scary about them?

Mike: They're HUGE. They could eat someone! THEY'RE GIANT MUTANT PENGUINS!

Kayla: Didn't you want a penguin?

Mike: Yes, but I want a TINY one. Not a giant one that will eat me in my sleep!

Kayla: Fine. Please hold while I Google this.

[1 minute later.]

Kayla: "OOOOO!!! Mike!!! I found some tiny penguins for you! They're called Fairy Penguins!"

Mike: "Oh that's perfect because I'm a fairy!!"

Kayla: "Exactly! Let's buy one!"

Fairy Penguin! [Image Source]
So then I Googled "penguins for sale" and came across a website called Penguins 4 Sale. How perfect! Regular kismet, if you ask me! This is what it said:

Dear Friend,
How to get a Penguin you ask? Now is your chance at “Penguins 4 Sale”

We stock a variety of specialy bred and small Fairy Penguins. Our Penguin farm is now overstocked. So we are selling our penguins at cost price. Thats right. Your only paying for shipping charges.

How to get a Penguin?
Well we are only allowed to keep a certain amount of Penguins, and we have exceeded this limit. So our loss is your gain....

Own a Penguin as a pet!
Due to the contrary belief, penguins dont need to spend all there time in water. So this allows time for you and your Penguin to snuggle on the couch. Penguins are smart and realise who there owners are. They are very social and actually enjoy human company.
They also get very excited at feeding time. Even more so at Bath time.

Pet Penguin Housing!
You will of course need a place for your Penguin to have access to water. This will be a clean source of Fresh water. (P.H levels will be sent with the instructions attached to your Penguin). Minumum 1 x 2 Meter baby pool is sufficient. But the bigger the better of course.

Will temperature effect my Penguin?
Our Fairy Penguins are brought up in a special environment. They adapt quickly to the surrounding environment. But it is advised to not keep them exposed to excessive heat.
Cold is not a problem... But they will get cold. So dont leave your Penguin outside in the snow!

Shipping your Penguin!
Shipping your Penguin is done in specially made polystyrene transport boxes. They are given a very subtle sedative to calm them. This slows the heart rate and allows for them to go without food for 5 days.

Your Penguin will come with a special pack of frozen food that can be thored and given to your Penguin when he arrives.
He will appreciate this and instantly bond with you.

Feeding your Fairy Penguin!
Feeding your Penguin is easy. You can choose to net fish at your local stream or water edge. But and fish outlet will have a cheap variety of whole small fish. It's even better to strike up a friendship with a local prawn trawler... he will always keep a lot of small fish for you.. Just freeze what you dont use... and thore when you need it...

Owning a Penguin!
You wont want to go on holidays anymore.. Because you will not want to leave your amazing pet.
If your Penguin get's ill in any way. Local vetrinary clinics can easily treat them, as there body structure is very similar to most mammals.

A Penguin for you or as a gift for a friend...
You will love your new pet Penguin but imagine the happiness and joy brought to others seeing their gift for the first time.

Buy a Penguin NOW! ONLY $25


Now, if you weren't sold based on the IMPRESSIVE grammar and spelling present on this website, the price alone should convince you that you NEED to own a penguin.

Unfortunately they note at the bottom of the page that they are currently all out of penguins so you'll have to check back later. I'm sure it isn't so they can increase their ad revenue for every shmuck who checks back daily to see if there are any more penguins to buy.

Then, much to my complete and utter SHOCK, Mike discovered that the website is a sham! [Bet you didn't see that coming.]

From Yahoo! Answers: :
Question:
Is penguins4sale.com a legit website that will actually sell you a penguin?
Apparently for $25, they will send you a fairy penguin, and I'd like to know if anyone has ever figured out if it's real. http://www.penguins4sale.com/

Answer:
DONT BUY IT
ITS A SCAM
they sold me a stuffed animal with wings and a wand!

So, kind of hilarious, right?

I'm always looking for a way to fuck with people, so I went back to the website [enjoy your ad revenue, dirtbags] to see if there was an email address I could send an inquiry to. I didn't find an email address, but I did find a little link at the bottom for "Terms & Conditions."

The terms are longer than the freaking Bible, but I did find a couple of hilarious little gems:

You must notify Penguins 4 Sale within 21 days of the date of your invoice or acknowledgement if you believe any part of your purchase is missing, wrong or damaged.

I would like to order a penguin and contact them to say this: "Excuse me, but my penguin is missing all of its vital organs. They seem to have been replaced with stuffing. Please explain."

This is probably my favorite:

Penguins 4 Sale WILL NOT HAVE ANY LIABILITY FOR ANY DAMAGES ARISING FROM THE USE OF THE PRODUCTS IN ANY HIGH RISK ACTIVITY, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL, MEDICAL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT, OR WEAPONS SYSTEMS.

So, guys, if you let your penguin operate weapons systems or nuclear facilities, Penguins 4 Sale is NOT responsible for any fallout. Got it? Good. You should probably also not leave your penguin in charge of life support. And don't even get me started on air traffic control. Penguins suck at that. [Because they can't fly. Get it? Hahahahaha!]

14 comments:

  1. HILARIOUS!!
    I must concur with Mike here regarding big ass penguins. Any bird larger than a parrot is evil and should be feared. The apocalypse will be brought on by man-sized birds. Mark my words.

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  2. Big birds are scary. Canada geese hang out in parks in Seattle, and they got this serious attitude, so I always cut them a lot of space. But little birds are cute, and little penguins way so. Thanks for this post, reminded me of this video. Check out Cookie (especially the end).

    http://youtu.be/3wTWWjYTe1I

    Didn't the penguins at the end of Batmen Returns have missile launchers?

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  3. @Vegas710(St) I don't understand this at all. Okay, so they're 3-4' penguins, but THEY DON'T HAVE ARMS. And have you seen those things waddle? SLOW. I could take on an army of penguins all by myself.

    @Thomas I agree that geese are terrifying. They're fearless and so freaking quick! And OMG that video is SO CUTE!!! And yes the penguins had missile launchers, but you know what? The Penguin did that. It's not like THEY decided to be strapped with missiles. Penguins aren't very good at tactical battle plans. Which is why we would win if they ever decided to attack us.

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  4. Kayla! The same thing could be said about zombies!! *SMH*
    I fear that your nonchalance toward this will mean terrible things for you when the bird-pocalypse happens. You are lucky to have Mike in your life as I'm sure he will have a plan.

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  5. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one taking this seriously!

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  6. I'll have you all know that I did agree to have penguin apocalypse kits prepared in addition to my zombie apocalypse kits. So I am taking this seriously, even though I'm pretty sure you're all nuts.

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  7. I'm so relieved that you are prepared even if you don't believe. The kits are remarkably similar, amirite?

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  8. Well a chainsaw will kill just about anything. Teehee! xD

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  9. Mike totally needs to move to Wellington, New Zealand. We have Fairy Penguins (which are called Little Blue Penguins here) living on our coast right next to the city (though sadly, they sometimes come to a bad end: http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/1998769/Call-for-speed-bumps-after-penguin-flatmate-run-over)

    Don't tell him we also had an Emperor Penguin show up this year though, he might freak out... http://www.stuff.co.nz/environment/5172214/Rare-NZ-emperor-penguin-appearance

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  10. Sooo...this post was posted 3 months ago and I JUST got the fairy penguin thing. They send you a penguin with a wand and wings. Fairies have wands and wings. It's a fairy penguin. >_<

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  11. Read ur stuff. I need a drink.

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  12. Read ur stuff. I need a drink.

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  13. So as many others i would love to own a penguin! When i googgled can you own a penguin... The penguins 4 sale site popped up. At first i was like ok cool site. Then i got to the part of seditive lasting 5 days and the penguins not eating for 5 days... I was pissed! Like how could anyone starve a penguin for 5 days!?!?! Then it hit me this was a total scam. To good to be true is always to good to be true!!!

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