Llamas of equal or lesser value

You should already know that we are HUGE fans of Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. A few days ago she posted about wanting to purchase a taxidermied pony. Kayla and I totally agreed that this was a much needed purchase for Jenny and led to us contemplating the lack of large, stuffed animals in our own lives.

Kayla: I think I'm more like Jenny than I realize because on Thursday I kept trying to convince the BF to buy this fake stuffed Llama for his new apartment.

me: OMG I WANT A FAKE STUFFED LLAMA! WHERE CAN I BUY ONE?

Kayla: I dunno. It was SO FESTIVE though. It had a sign around its neck that said "HOLA!" It was the happiest miniature fake Llama ever.

me: Where did you see it?

Kayla: Bastille Days. Which? Kind of strange. I bet it would have been sold in 5 seconds flat if it had said "BONJOUR!"And if it had been wearing a beret.

[Cue Google search.]

me: OMG THE REAL MINIATURE LLAMA FARM IS HAVING A BUY ONE GET ONE 

SALE! WE CAN BOTH GET ONE!

Source: ValleyMiniatureLlamas.com 

Kayla: WHAAAAT??? It's really sad that there would be "llamas of lesser value."

me: Yeah :( Will your parents let us keep a couple llamas at their place?

Kayla: No. Probably not. They'll have to be city llamas.

me: We'll just have to get the smallest ones. We'll tell the police they are collies.

Kayla: Yes!

me: If we get two $1000 ones, that's $500 a llama which is a BARGAIN. We'd be dumb to pass it up.

Kayla: SO dumb. Christmas shopping = DONE. LLAMAS FOR EVERYBODY.

me: YES. They even have a package deal. 2 dudes and 6 dudettes for $4k. AND THEN WE CAN MAKE MORE LLAMAS!

Kayla: AHHHH!!!! And then you can make capes from their hair/fur/wool/whateverthefuckllamasaremadeof.

me: YAY!

This is definitely going to turn out well.

What we meant by "Penguins 4 Sale!!!" was...

...everything we said in the effing post. If you're going to do a web search for something as asinine*/awesome as "penguins for sale," at least read the fine print. In November we wrote about a web-site claiming to sell penguins. By titling our post "Penguins 4 Sale!!!" and then having our amazing readers (that's you!) read it (along with other SEO magic), we somehow ended up as the third Google search result when you search for "penguins for sale." Well one two poor souls didn't actually read the post, but instead jumped right to the contact page and sent me emails.

(*I have no idea if I used that word correctly or not. I'm just trying to sound smart. A for effort?)

Email #1:

Hi mike, 

I'm interested in buying a penguin but i would like some information on maintenance & on the penguin itself. What environment do they need? We live in south Florida ....

First I forwarded the email to Kayla saying, "I hope this is a joke..." but then how could I not have a little fun with it?

My response:

Hi! 

So sorry it has taking so long to respond. We're up to our neck in spring hatchlings! 

South Florida shouldn't be a problem as long as you can provide a good habitat. You will need a chest freezer connected to a small children's pool by way of a ramp or slide. This gives the penguin the water it needs as wells as direct access to a cold place to rest. You want to leave the lid open on the freezer of course. Make sure the pool is decent sized so the little one has plenty of room for activities. 

Some people also purchase a water bed and attach a special flange so that the penguin can go in and out of the waterbed as it pleases but that might disturb you while you're sleeping.  

You will also need a continuous supply of fresh fish to feed the penguin. Speaking of fish, the penguin will be a baby when you get it of course so you will have to pre-chew its food for it. Premastication is perfectly normal. In fact, actress Alicia Silverstone is a big fan of the process. 

Let me know if you have any more questions! 

Thanks,
Mike

Her response:

Hi Michael, 

Yes I have another question. Where would I put the pool exactly & the freezer ?

My response:

Oh a covered patio or a room with a lot of windows would do. Penguins love scenery.

Thank you, 

Mike

Her response:

Oh okay, & how much are they ? 

Then I confessed and told her that penguins are terrible pets (the fact that *we* are the third most relevant result for that search term should be a leading indicator of that) and invited her to actually READ the blog post that had started the process in the first place.

I waited to write about it thinking that she might respond to my last message, but she never did. I assumed (foolishly) that this would be a one time occurrence. Until Monday when ANOTHER person emailed me asking, "do you have any fairy penguins for sale?"

I got a little more creative with this one...

Hello, 

Unfortunately we do not. It was a tough spring with the economy and all. I do have an excellent recipe for deep fried penguin wings though, if you're interested. 

Thanks,
Mike

OMG! UPDATE!

Well kind of. This hasn't even posted yet, but I had considered it to be done and Kayla had approved it, but then I received this response from the second emailer: "do you know when ur [sic] gonna have more[?]" Seriously?

Here comes the fun part: Wanna play along? You know you do! What should I respond? Tell me in the comments!

Cats Doing Stuff...like reading.

Okay, so the last Cats Doing Stuff was posted like eight years ago because I'm lazy, but we have some awesome pics we never got to post; so, I'm going to try to get back on top of it. (And yes, I realize this blog didn't exist eight years ago. It's called dramatic effect, people!)

Anyways, way back in October, Carol sent us these pictures of her lovely lady, Amber. Hopefully Amber didn't contract feline leukemia and die or anything since then. If she did, we dedicate this post to her. RIP Amber. Or just rest, in case you didn't die. Which I hope you didn't, because I don't know many cats who can read.

I only know one other cat who can read and he's fictional. See Lilian Jackson Braun's Cat Who...series.

  

And I don't know ANY cats who can play guitar. Not until now! (Or October when Carol sent these pics.)

A cat after my own heart. Her favorite rock...

All the reading and rock and roll are exhausting. Look at her little plushy! Too cute!

Email us pictures of your kitties to be featured in future posts! Email them to info@mikeandkayla.com with the subject "Cats Doing Stuff." By emailing us your photos, you agree to let us post them on the site for the world to see.

We live!

Dearest Readers,

Kayla and I recently received a very concerned email from reader Laura in response to our lack of posting; so, I wanted to pop on and tell you first, that we are indeed alive, and second, that we will be coming back in full force very soon!

Kayla has been busy with end of semester projects and exams (she be so smart!) and I've been busy with love, then heartbreak, and now sanding a wooden dowel so that's it's smooth enough for comfortable recreational use.

Think of our hiatus as the break between seasons of a television show. Well, Kayla is almost done with school and I'm building myself a life coach in my basement to help me deal with my issues; so, Season Two is on its way and will be spectacular!

Two weeks from today Kayla and I are flying to Vegas for (read: to crash) the 2012 Billboard Music Awards; so, that should be spectacular. In the [probable] event we get arrested, that too will bring interesting stories. So, either way, you have something to look forward to!

For now, I must go respond to an email requesting information on the purchase of a penguin. Some people need to be more diligent about researching their Google search results.

With love and unicorn tears,
Mike
Emperor of Gay, Co-Director of Hilarity

Adventures on the Michael-Coaster

One of the requirements to being best friends with Mike is that you must be prepared for insanity at all times. As Mad Eye Moody (RIP) would say, it requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!

At any moment he could spring one of his insane ideas on you, and you have no choice but to hop on board and enjoy the ride. At times it can be exhausting, but it's always interesting and it's never boring.

Here are a few such ideas Mike has come up with in the past year or so.

1. Breeding dwarf hamsters. I can't even make this stuff up, you guys. There was also a blog about how to tame your hamster. The only good thing that came from this is Mike's hamster, Albus, who's the cutest thing ever. I love him to pieces.

D'awwwwwww! See! Adorable. 

2. Galactic Ice. The next money-making scheme was the open an Italian ice cart. In theory, this was actually a pretty good idea. The plan was to sell Italian ice from Little Jimmy's, and the whole thing should have had a relatively low start-up cost for a small cart. Unfortunately, the city of Milwaukee has absolutely ridiculous laws for street vendors, like requiring them to have running water on their carts. It turned into a logistical nightmare. Also, I was not okay with the idea of him spending every weekend of the summer selling flavored ice instead of hanging out with me. Unacceptable. But he did make a pretty awesome website and logo.

Italian ice + Star Wars!? Come on, even I have to admit this is awesome.

3. Sparkle Sack. This endeavor is a bit difficult to explain. I don't know if you guys have heard of Birchbox or Glam Bag, but they're beauty sampling services where you pay $10/month to get a random box of samples. There aren't really a whole lot of sampling services for men though, which is what led Mike to come up with Sparkle Sack. It's pretty much the gayest name we could think of. Mike was all on board for this project until we realized the sampling service idea is probably a fad and not really viable long-term. Not to mention the logistics involved. I'm sure it's a mess to run. Plus he sort of alienated all the straight guys by naming it Sparkle Sack. I highly doubt anyone's going to want a Sparkle Sack delivered with their Sports Illustrated. I don't have a picture for this, so here's a picture of what Mike said I should wear to Pride Fest. Soooooooo not happening.

Image Source

4. The Top Secret Fashion Project. This is Mike's newest idea, and I've been told that if I tell you what it is he'll have to kill me and everyone who reads this. So I'm really just trying to be the hero by not telling you.

He did say that I should ask if anyone knows where he can get fabric made from yarn spun from the fur of sugar gliders who have died of natural causes. He'd seriously love you forever if you have a source for that.

Image Source. WAIT! He wants to do WHAT with my fur!?!? 

Exhibit A

Two words: Penguin. Apocalypse.




Source: No idea, via Imgur

Giant Effing Penguins...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (Not really. Well kind of.)

As if Emperor penguins aren't scary enough; they found a prehistoric one that's even bigger!

[Image: Gabriel Aguirre/AP]

I maintain my stance that we must, in addition to the Zombie Apocalypse, prepare for the Penguin Apocalypse!

Penguins 4 Sale!!!

Mike and I were watching Batman Returns and Mike was really disturbed when [SPOILER ALERT] the penguins came out and pushed Penguin's body into the water.

[Here's a video for reference: http://youtu.be/twrvftwNZJY ]

Mike: Those aren't real penguins right? Penguins aren't that big.

Kayla: Yes they are. Emperor penguins get that big. Like the ones in Happy Feet.

Mike: WHAT? *grabs onto my arm* No no no no no no that's so SCARY! Those aren't penguins, they're MUTANTS.

Kayla: Mike, they're penguins. What's scary about them?

Mike: They're HUGE. They could eat someone! THEY'RE GIANT MUTANT PENGUINS!

Kayla: Didn't you want a penguin?

Mike: Yes, but I want a TINY one. Not a giant one that will eat me in my sleep!

Kayla: Fine. Please hold while I Google this.

[1 minute later.]

Kayla: "OOOOO!!! Mike!!! I found some tiny penguins for you! They're called Fairy Penguins!"

Mike: "Oh that's perfect because I'm a fairy!!"

Kayla: "Exactly! Let's buy one!"

Fairy Penguin! [Image Source]

So then I Googled "penguins for sale" and came across a website called Penguins 4 Sale. How perfect! Regular kismet, if you ask me! This is what it said:

Dear Friend,
How to get a Penguin you ask? Now is your chance at “Penguins 4 Sale”

We stock a variety of specialy bred and small Fairy Penguins. Our Penguin farm is now overstocked. So we are selling our penguins at cost price. Thats right. Your only paying for shipping charges.

How to get a Penguin?
Well we are only allowed to keep a certain amount of Penguins, and we have exceeded this limit. So our loss is your gain....

Own a Penguin as a pet!
Due to the contrary belief, penguins dont need to spend all there time in water. So this allows time for you and your Penguin to snuggle on the couch. Penguins are smart and realise who there owners are. They are very social and actually enjoy human company.
They also get very excited at feeding time. Even more so at Bath time.

Pet Penguin Housing!
You will of course need a place for your Penguin to have access to water. This will be a clean source of Fresh water. (P.H levels will be sent with the instructions attached to your Penguin). Minumum 1 x 2 Meter baby pool is sufficient. But the bigger the better of course.

Will temperature effect my Penguin?
Our Fairy Penguins are brought up in a special environment. They adapt quickly to the surrounding environment. But it is advised to not keep them exposed to excessive heat.
Cold is not a problem... But they will get cold. So dont leave your Penguin outside in the snow!

Shipping your Penguin!
Shipping your Penguin is done in specially made polystyrene transport boxes. They are given a very subtle sedative to calm them. This slows the heart rate and allows for them to go without food for 5 days.

Your Penguin will come with a special pack of frozen food that can be thored and given to your Penguin when he arrives.
He will appreciate this and instantly bond with you.

Feeding your Fairy Penguin!
Feeding your Penguin is easy. You can choose to net fish at your local stream or water edge. But and fish outlet will have a cheap variety of whole small fish. It's even better to strike up a friendship with a local prawn trawler... he will always keep a lot of small fish for you.. Just freeze what you dont use... and thore when you need it...

Owning a Penguin!
You wont want to go on holidays anymore.. Because you will not want to leave your amazing pet.
If your Penguin get's ill in any way. Local vetrinary clinics can easily treat them, as there body structure is very similar to most mammals.

A Penguin for you or as a gift for a friend...
You will love your new pet Penguin but imagine the happiness and joy brought to others seeing their gift for the first time.

Buy a Penguin NOW! ONLY $25


Now, if you weren't sold based on the IMPRESSIVE grammar and spelling present on this website, the price alone should convince you that you NEED to own a penguin.

Unfortunately they note at the bottom of the page that they are currently all out of penguins so you'll have to check back later. I'm sure it isn't so they can increase their ad revenue for every shmuck who checks back daily to see if there are any more penguins to buy.

Then, much to my complete and utter SHOCK, Mike discovered that the website is a sham! [Bet you didn't see that coming.]

From Yahoo! Answers: :
Question:
Is penguins4sale.com a legit website that will actually sell you a penguin?
Apparently for $25, they will send you a fairy penguin, and I'd like to know if anyone has ever figured out if it's real. http://www.penguins4sale.com/

Answer:
DONT BUY IT
ITS A SCAM
they sold me a stuffed animal with wings and a wand!

So, kind of hilarious, right?

I'm always looking for a way to fuck with people, so I went back to the website [enjoy your ad revenue, dirtbags] to see if there was an email address I could send an inquiry to. I didn't find an email address, but I did find a little link at the bottom for "Terms & Conditions."

The terms are longer than the freaking Bible, but I did find a couple of hilarious little gems:

You must notify Penguins 4 Sale within 21 days of the date of your invoice or acknowledgement if you believe any part of your purchase is missing, wrong or damaged.

I would like to order a penguin and contact them to say this: "Excuse me, but my penguin is missing all of its vital organs. They seem to have been replaced with stuffing. Please explain."

This is probably my favorite:

Penguins 4 Sale WILL NOT HAVE ANY LIABILITY FOR ANY DAMAGES ARISING FROM THE USE OF THE PRODUCTS IN ANY HIGH RISK ACTIVITY, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL, MEDICAL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT, OR WEAPONS SYSTEMS.

So, guys, if you let your penguin operate weapons systems or nuclear facilities, Penguins 4 Sale is NOT responsible for any fallout. Got it? Good. You should probably also not leave your penguin in charge of life support. And don't even get me started on air traffic control. Penguins suck at that. [Because they can't fly. Get it? Hahahahaha!]

Cats Doing Stuff: A long time ago...

This is our first themed edition of Cats Doing Stuff! Thanks to Shannon for the inspiration, Kayla and I <3 Star Wars!

So, we were looking for pictures of cats doing stuff. Anything really. But I'm not sure this cat can actually move. Shannon sent us this picture of "Ginger the Hutt:"

"Pay ganta cheeseburger."

("Please bring a cheeseburger.")

Hence forth this cat, sent in by Melissa, shall be known as Darth Kittious:

"No. No, no, you will die!"

We have received many more submissions too. Stay tuned for those and keep them coming by sending your pictures to info@mikeandkayla.com with "Cats Doing Stuff" as the subject.

Does anyone know what a lion would run me these days?

On Wednesday Terry Thompson, the owner of a wild life farm in Zanesville Ohio, released nearly 50 of his exotic animals before shooting himself. The owner's death is very sad and I'm grateful that no one was injured by the animals as far as I've read (let me know if I'm wrong). I'm also, as a huge animal lover, devastated by the deaths of so many animals. More than one-half of one percent of the world's estimated population of Bengal tigers was killed. Devastating. I understand the necessity of these actions, but it is still very, very sad. It is a small consolation, but a handful of animals were rescued and transported to the Columbus Zoo. If you wish to assist in their care, I encourage you to consider making a donation to the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium.

When reading a USA Today article about the event I learned something very interesting and the following Facebook chat conversation ensued between Kayla and I last night:

Me:

• We're moving to Ohio. "Ohio has some of the nation's weakest restrictions on exotic pets and among the highest number of injuries and deaths caused by them." "The state requires permits for bears but doesn't regulate the ownership of nonnative animals, such as lions and tigers."
• Oh, ignore the injury part. Didn't mean to include that.

Kayla:

• Hate my work computer.
• I was barely able to do anything today.
• Internet worked but I couldn't get my Outlook or my accounting software to work.

Me:

• Ma pauvre.
• On a happy note, we're moving to Ohio and getting a pet lion so you have that to look forward to.

Kayla:

• What?
• Why?
• Wouldn't you be allergic to a lion?

Me:

• Read the info I sent you earlier ^^

Kayla:

• Um yeah, didn't some guy just get killed by his exotic pets?

Me:

• 1) I'll shave the lion if I'm allergic to it. 2) He shot himself in the head. The animals didn't kill him.

Kayla:

• But still.
• Should probably not have a lion? I mean where would we keep it?
• Where would we keep a LION?

Me:

• Obviously we're going to buy farm land in Ohio and make a mini Sahara.
• You don't need a license or anything to own non-native animals.
• And bears are lame.
• So I'm sticking with lions.

Kayla:

• Can't we just stick with my original plan and get mini farm animals?

Me:

• Yes. And feed them to the lions.
• OMG WE COULD HAVE GLADIATORS!!

Kayla:

• You are just a whole 'nother level right now.

Me:

• Now about these lions. I wonder if we can get an ape too. One the lions won't eat. And name it Rafiki.
• We could make a pride rock. They'd have so much more room in a big field than in the zoo. We'll just put a big moat and electric fence around the perimeter.

Kayla:

• Michael, WTF?

Me:

• Maybe pride rock will actually be a fake rock that is really their inside home and such.
• And we'll make an underground tunnel that goes under the moat and leads to pride rock so we can get to them and feed and pet them.
• I'll draw up some plans.
• And look for cheap farm land to covert into a desert.
• Not all my messages are showing up in chat. Did you see the one about the tunnel? That's important.

Kayla:

• Yes. I can't think of a damn thing to say.

Me:

• I know. It's awe inspiring, right?

Kayla:

• It's....something.

Me:

• Something AMAZING. I can't believe no one has done this yet. We'll lead safaris through the harsh wilderness of Ohio. It will be great.

Kayla:

• I think you're going to need that straight jacket sooner than we thought.

Me:

• What? This is soooo normal. I'm an animal loving entrepreneur.
• So what are we going to name our lions?

Kayla:

• Hold up. How'd we go from having 1 lion to having an entire menagerie of exotic pets?

Me:

• Calm down. It's going to be a pride of lions and MAYBE a baboon. That's all.

Kayla:

• A whole pride!?

Me:

• Well, d'uh.
• Just like 1 male and a few females.
• And then we can sell the babies to pet stores.

Kayla:

• What are you going to do with them in the winter?

Me:

• What do you mean? It's warmer in Ohio than in Wisconsin.
• They will have shelter in/under pride rock too.

Kayla:

• Ohio's not THAT much warmer.

Me:

• Average winter temp is 33.
• That's the coldest month.
• Why are you worried? They are lions.
• They are strong.
• The moat will be 50' wide as lions can jump up to 36'.

Kayla:

• Can they swim?
• Can they build rafts?

Me:

• It will have a net. Not water. And will be 20' deep so they can't jump out.
• Can't tranquilize them in water; they will drown.

Kayla:

• How are we going to keep them from eating us?

Me:

• They will love us.
• Or we won't play with them.
• 
• And if this goes well, we'll buy another field and get an orca, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Kayla:

• What's the point of having lions if we can't play with them?

Me:

• We will try to train them, but I don't want you to have unrealistic expectations. Lions are like fish: look, don't touch.

Kayla:

• We can look at lions at the zoo!

Me:

• We tried that. [The Milwaukee County Zoo has new lion cubs. We went to the zoo last week specifically to see them after the advertised extensively that they were now on display, but the exhibit was being cleaned the day we went!]
• If you would rather have a more friendly pet, we can go straight for the orca, but that habitat will be more expensive.

Kayla:

• Orcas are not friendly. They're called killer whales. What's friendly about that?

Me:

• They have never killed a person in the wild.
• Have you ever seen a person ride a lion? No. An orca? Yes.

Kayla:

• Whatever. You can do whatever you want. Just make sure I have lots of cocaine and diamonds.

So, if you know anyone who has a good deal on lions or orcas (I'm not being picky at this point), please let me know.

Cats Doing Stuff

We've received a great response to our call for pictures of your Cats Doing Stuff! Keep them coming by sending your pictures to info@mikeandkayla.com with "Cats Doing Stuff" as the subject.

Here is round one!

Christy sent us this one of her cat guarding the toilet paper:

"I may not be a Charmin bear, but I'm quite sure you've used up your daily quota."

Katie sent us these of her daughter's "child" Billy:

Recovering: "Maybe the eggnog was a bad choice."

Cuddling: "Who's the bitch now, dog?"

Plotting: "You know that I could kill you in your sleep, right?"

Nomming: "I'm glad you're finally starting to understand the chain of command."

These are just a few of the ones we've received; we'll be posting more of them soon!

Cats Doing Stuff

So, I recently bought the domain catsdoingstuff.com after watching this commercial:

I was like, "I totally want to go to that site!" But, it didn't exist. Sad panda.

But...now it does! catsdoingstuff.com now forwards to this blog and we are going to have recurring blog posts with pictures of cats doing stuff! Yay!

Unfortunately I am deathly allergic to cats (and therefore don't have any) and Kayla's cats are...special; so, we need YOUR help!

Email us pictures of your kitties to be featured in future posts! Email them to info@mikeandkayla.com with the subject "Cats Doing Stuff." By emailing us your photos, you agree to let us post them on the site for the world to see.

Here's the best we could get out of Kayla's Miley and Ty:

Miley

Ty

That's what we call "Cats Doing Nothing."