Wednesday, June 6, 2012

What we meant by "Penguins 4 Sale!!!" was...

...everything we said in the effing post. If you're going to do a web search for something as asinine*/awesome as "penguins for sale," at least read the fine print. In November we wrote about a web-site claiming to sell penguins. By titling our post "Penguins 4 Sale!!!" and then having our amazing readers (that's you!) read it (along with other SEO magic), we somehow ended up as the third Google search result when you search for "penguins for sale." Well one two poor souls didn't actually read the post, but instead jumped right to the contact page and sent me emails.

(*I have no idea if I used that word correctly or not. I'm just trying to sound smart. A for effort?)

Email #1:

Hi mike, 
I'm interested in buying a penguin but i would like some information on maintenance & on the penguin itself. What environment do they need? We live in south Florida ....

First I forwarded the email to Kayla saying, "I hope this is a joke..." but then how could I not have a little fun with it?

My response:

So sorry it has taking so long to respond. We're up to our neck in spring hatchlings! 
South Florida shouldn't be a problem as long as you can provide a good habitat. You will need a chest freezer connected to a small children's pool by way of a ramp or slide. This gives the penguin the water it needs as wells as direct access to a cold place to rest. You want to leave the lid open on the freezer of course. Make sure the pool is decent sized so the little one has plenty of room for activities. 
Some people also purchase a water bed and attach a special flange so that the penguin can go in and out of the waterbed as it pleases but that might disturb you while you're sleeping.  
You will also need a continuous supply of fresh fish to feed the penguin. Speaking of fish, the penguin will be a baby when you get it of course so you will have to pre-chew its food for it. Premastication is perfectly normal. In fact, actress Alicia Silverstone is a big fan of the process. 
Let me know if you have any more questions! 

Her response:

Hi Michael, 
Yes I have another question. Where would I put the pool exactly & the freezer ?

My response:

Oh a covered patio or a room with a lot of windows would do. Penguins love scenery.

Thank you,
Her response:
Oh okay, & how much are they ? 
Then I confessed and told her that penguins are terrible pets (the fact that *we* are the third most relevant result for that search term should be a leading indicator of that) and invited her to actually READ the blog post that had started the process in the first place.

I waited to write about it thinking that she might respond to my last message, but she never did. I assumed (foolishly) that this would be a one time occurrence. Until Monday when ANOTHER person emailed me asking, "do you have any fairy penguins for sale?"

I got a little more creative with this one...
Unfortunately we do not. It was a tough spring with the economy and all. I do have an excellent recipe for deep fried penguin wings though, if you're interested. 


Well kind of. This hasn't even posted yet, but I had considered it to be done and Kayla had approved it, but then I received this response from the second emailer: "do you know when ur [sic] gonna have more[?]" Seriously?

Here comes the fun part: Wanna play along? You know you do! What should I respond? Tell me in the comments!


  1. Excellent!
    Are you perhaps waiting for the penguins to fly south for the summer...

  2. Hahaha! Ooo...I think I DEFINITELY have to work something about flying into the response!

  3. Omg! Due to melting ice caps, all fairy penguins will be delivered by ice floe. Please provide directions to your home via nearest waterway. In the event fairy penguins cannot be delivered, a real fairy will be substituted. Please specify preference for elf or totally awesome gay man to take shopping for shoes with you". Haha!

  4. "In the event fairy penguins cannot be delivered, a real fairy will be substituted."

    Love this idea! And flying? Brilliant!

    "New laws in place forbid exotic, flying animals as pets. We are working tirelessly to make our penguins flightless (hence the abundance of fried wings). We've ruled out wingectomies and are moving on to duct tape and zip ties. Check back in a month or so, fingers crossed!"

  5. Haha! That's brilliant! I'm glad I waited to respond. I'll have to send out a response ASAP!