Friday, June 8, 2012

I'm sorry, are my wrinkles distracting you?

I have been using online dating for a long time. Since way before it was socially acceptable...assuming that it has become socially acceptable by now. I was using it back in high school and scaring my mother out of her wits. Not sure if she thought I was going to get kidnapped or what but she didn't like it. All the more reason for me to do it. Just kidding, I'm totally not that kind of son. Really.

Before I continue, it's worth noting that I am 25-years-old. Kayla and I have opted to stop aging once she turns 25 in November (the day before I would turn 26), but I can honestly say this is my first time being 25.

My match situation is a little jacked up. Everyday OkCupid (my site of choice because it's free and they let you answer a bazillion questions in order to find a perfect match) gives you three new matches in a special inbox called your "quiver" and now all of mine are from out of state! Apparently I have been through EVERY GAY GUY IN MILWAUKEE (via online dating, you perv) and there is just no one left in the whole state of Wisconsin for me! In fact, my most recent ex was from Illinois. I had to drive for 1.5 hours to see him! Therefore, I get very excited when I get a message from someone in Milwaukee. It's always my hope that they are new to the site and just haven't showed up in my list of matches yet. Though no one new has seemed to join the site in the last two years as my normal (non-quiver) matches have been the same twenty guys FOREVER. If it hasn't happened, it isn't going to!

Anyway, yesterday I received a message from a 19-year-old guy. It started:
"Hey whatsup man?"
Okay...questionable choice of spelling, but I say/write "gonna" all the time so we can let that go.

Then he followed with:
"I looked at your preferences and was a bit disappointed that your in to older guys..." 
It's true. I can't even seem to find a guy my own age who is on the same page as far as life goals, maturity, etc.

Then he continued:
"...but then again you are an older guy.
Ouch. In his defense, he called me "older" and not "old," but I threw an absolute fit to Kayla when it happened. Since when am I "older" to someone who's old enough to be out of high school. HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? I've been using anti-aging cream since I was 12, this should not be possible!

Of course next this guy said:
"But I thought id message to that you sir are the MOST attractive guy iv seen on here." 
TOO LATE BUDDY! Oh wait, what's at the end of the message there?

Seeing as I'm so old he added:
"Maybe we can be friends instead?" 
Eff youuuu!!! Oh and, by the way, he sent this message at 10:48 PM. Well this old man was already in bed.

And then when I hadn't responded by 8:12 AM this morning (because I was in bed last night and then at work this morning!) I got another message:
"I take it the even friends would not work." 
WTF? Us old folk have to work in the morning! I don't get paid to cruise OkCupid!

It just gets better! Later today I received another message from a different guy:
"heeey... i read your profile and thought i'd message you; cuz you seem like a pretty cool guy.because i'm so blunt, i'm just going to say: In all honesty, I doubt we'll be attracted towards (just cuz) each other, BUT I'd like to think we can be friends? :)"
Why wouldn't we be attracted to each other? Because I'm SO OLD?! I'm sorry, are my wrinkles distracting you???


On a happy note, today is the first day of Milwaukee's PrideFest! I'm so excited! I will probably find a rich husband this weekend and run away to Europe. And by that I mean that I will be back, crying at my desk on Monday Tuesday, after I have recovered from spewing my pride all over the streets of Milwaukee. I'm still trying to convince Kayla that latex is the best look for her. Happy Pride!

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