Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Mike and Kayla Meet The Bloggess.

I tried to think of a clever title for this post, but it wasn’t really possible because I’m still freaking out about this. Last Saturday was really and truly the best day of my life. Mike and I made the long and treacherous journey to Chicago to meet our hero, Jenny Lawson a.k.a. The Bloggess.

Okay. So it wasn’t very long. Or particularly treacherous. Except a semi got a flat tire in front of us so there were a few seconds where I did think we might die even though we were only going about 7mph.

When I’m about to do something exciting it usually doesn’t sink in until the last possible second. We kept talking about how we were buzzing with excitement to meet Jenny, but I didn’t really *get* it until  we got to the tent that she’d be speaking in and I saw her sitting in the front. Mike had been losing his mind over this the entire drive over, but when I saw Jenny I let out an embarrassing fangirl scream.

Jenny read a chapter from her book that details a bout of particularly awful self-induced diarrhea, which was quite serendipitous because Mike had decided to bring a gift of Miralax. Because frankincense and myrrh are just sooo B.C.
The reading was followed by a Q&A and I was astounded at how honest and open Jenny was in answering all of the questions. I laughed, I cried, and I learned that Pepto-Bismol can turn your tongue black [it’s totally normal, by the way].

I'm sooo glad Jenny wrote about Pepto turning your tongue black. It saved me from an embarrassing public tongue exorcism. - Mike (You didn't actually think I'd miss out on this post did you?)

Then we stood in line to meet Jenny. We were ridiculously excited, so naturally we were just obnoxious in line. We had people laughing with our antics, which included me nearly getting Mike arrested after accusing him of cutting in line. I hadn’t noticed the security guard nearby, and I could have just DIED when she came over and got all up in his grill asking if he was skipping. I’m a GREAT friend.

I also accidentally misted total strangers with my strange little mineral water spray while I was trying to keep Mike looking fresh. Oops. I did ensure them that it was just water, not some sort of chemical warfare. Luckily the security guard was absent for that.

And I may or may not have hit the lady in front of me in the head with a bottle of water. Though, honestly, that was far less offensive than if I would have hit her with the Miralax. I mean who wants a stranger implying that they look constipated or--worse--that they should try to lose a few pounds via laxative overdose*? -Mike (*For Christ's sake/our sake/Jenny's sake, read her book if you haven't already!)

We expected Jenny to be really nice, but we totally didn’t think she’d know who the heck we are. Our plan was to introduce ourselves as Mike and Kayla and then tell her that we’re the ones that sent her a Bigfoot costume. [That’s a true story by the way.] So when it was finally our turn, we introduced ourselves and before we could say that we sent the costume she said, “Oh! Mike and Kayla! You guys are awesome!*”


*She may have actually said, "Please don't touch me there," but we might have been seizing and not consciously aware of what was happening. Though I'm pretty sure she said we were awesome. Yes, let's go with that. -Mike

I’m pretty sure my heart stopped for a little while, and I don’t remember much of what I said. It was probably something along the lines of “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, you are so amazing, oh my god,” because I’m not a loser at ALL.

Holy crap do I look pale. I swear I'm not usually that pale. It's probably from losing my lunch on Jenny's shoes. At least I didn't need my daily Miralax smoothie. -Mike

She really was the sweetest and my only regret is that I was too giddy to tell her just how much I admire her.

And yes, that IS Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey clutching a Diet Coke. And the bottle of Miralax with a BOW on it, just in case you thought I was joking about that*. I may or may not be overly qualified (read: experienced) in the area of self-induced diarrhea--and Miralax is definitely the way to go--but I mean it's not like a hobby or anything. Really. -Mike

If you haven’t checked out Jenny’s blog, you really need to go do that right now, click here. And I highly recommend her book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir), available like, EVERYWHERE. But here’s a link to it on Amazon.


  1. I am so jealous of y'all! I keep trying to twitter-talk her into coming to England... so far, to no avail. She is so amazing!!

  2. Yes, yes she is! Kayla and I would be glad to come to England and tell you all about her if you wanted to buy us some plane tickets!

  3. I literally am seething with envy that you met @thebloggess in person. But only in a totally seizing type of way-you know, the good kind. And really, the fact that Copernicus was present just salts that wound. :)
    Relatedly, your blog is fantastic. Get that book going already would ya?! The world is going to love them some mikeandkayla!

  4. I just had a panic attack because I thought I spelled mikeandkayla- mikeandkavla. But I didn't. So it's ok. Phew, glad we worked that out.

  5. It really was spectacular. I only wish I had been coherent.

    Thank you for your love. As for works by Kavla (I really need to start documenting my own spelling issues--you'd feel much better about yours) and I, we're planning a children's book and sitcom.

  6. Soooo I wrote my last comment on my phone and kept getting errors that wouldn't allow me to change what I had written or keep writing and after this happening five times I just posted what I had. But I would like to amend...adend?...I don't know...some word like that. Anyway...what I meant by "we're planning" is "we really want to write a children's book and a sitcom, but we're actually not THAT famous and have no idea how to get the attention of literary agents and television producers because we learned the hard way that public nudity does NOT work." So yes, we'd LIKE to do those things, but unless you know a desperate gay literary agent, it's probably not gonna happen. We are also likely to write memoirs that will also never get published, but those will probably make you want to cry instead of laugh and that's no good so it's probably good that no one will want to publish them. And I'm allowed to write run-on sentences and start sentences with "and" because I am an author, goddammit. And by "author" I mean "I know how to use blogger because they made it so that a three-year-old could use it." Though that doesn't mean it doesn't fuck up (see our very first post). I'm going to stop writing now. (But just for this comment, not like in general.)

  7. I'm going to meditate on your pictures in an attempt to induce a dream involving the three of you. fingers crossed!

    1. Does that work? If so I'm going to attempt to induce a dream involving the cast of Magic Mike. You're totally invited. =)

    2. Dude. I'm SO IN.
      FTR, it didn't work but I probably did it wrong. :D