This has all the makings of a fantastic Lifetime movie.

Conversation between me and Emily. She's that Asian that wrote about pumpkin pie last year. And I still have no idea how she eats pumpkin pie with chopsticks...but I digress.

Me: After you're done brunching you should stop over and check my basement for murderers. Please? This is not a drill.

Emily: ...are there typically murderers in your basement?

Me: Not usually, but the outside door to the basement was open when I got home yesterday so I'm pretty sure there are murderers in there now.

Emily: At least they're being nice and staying in the basement and not coming upstairs to bother you...

Me: That's true. But I really need to do laundry and I feel like they're just too lazy to bother breaking into the main floor.

Emily: Maybe if you just throw your laundry down the stairs, they'll wash it for you.

Me: That's actually a good plan. Unless they wash them with poison that will kill me slowly. The cops would never figure it out.

Emily: Do you have poison detergent down there? Or is it more of a BYOP deal?

Me: Definitely BYOP. You think I have high-tech slow-killing poison detergent laying around???

Emily: Well, if their plan is to kill you with slow-killing detergent, then you should be safe to go down there. No knives?

Me: I'm not saying that's their plan. Killing someone slowly with detergent isn't as much fun as slicing and dicing. Probably.

Emily: Probably. But they just bring slow-killing poison detergent JUST IN CASE? That seems impractical.

Me: Maybe they were Boy Scouts. Aren't they supposed to always be prepared???

Emily: Murderous Boy Scouts?!

Me: I don't know! I just know this is totally unfair. I'm super nice about murderers. I'm totally pro-Dexter.

Emily: But you're not a bad guy.

Me: So...you're saying I should kill someone? So they make me part of their murderer club instead of killing me?

Emily: ...yes.

So now I'm pretty sure this murderer thing is just an elaborate scheme by my friends to get me to commit murder and end up in jail forever because there's no way I wouldn't get caught. I'm just not sneaky enough. Which means I have terrible friends. Or a little too much imagination for one person. One of those.

I'm a catch: MINE!

We've already established that I need to think before I speak and that some of my methods for wooing guys are a little unorthodox. What you don't know is that what I've posted here is only the tip of the ice berg.

As, I've previously stated, I seem to be incompatible with anyone who lives in the same state as me. Thus, I'm required to go on dates with people who are not familiar with Milwaukee. A while ago I went on a date with someone who had just moved to the area (fresh meat, muhahaha... cough). We went to dinner and afterwards we decided that we were going to get a drink, but we had to decide where.  I originally suggested a gay lounge I like, but then changed my mind, stating:

“I don’t want to go to a gay bar, because I don’t want other gays to see you.  I want you to be my little secret.”

I followed that with:

“I’m just kidding.  Kind of.  Not really.”

Even after I said that he still went for drinks with me. Though it was probably because I had picked him up and he assumed he had to comply with my wishes if he didn’t want to end up tied up in my basement while I prepared to test various Saw-esque devices on him.  Though that’s a silly thing for him to think because I don’t even have a basement.

We live!

Dearest Readers,

Kayla and I recently received a very concerned email from reader Laura in response to our lack of posting; so, I wanted to pop on and tell you first, that we are indeed alive, and second, that we will be coming back in full force very soon!

Kayla has been busy with end of semester projects and exams (she be so smart!) and I've been busy with love, then heartbreak, and now sanding a wooden dowel so that's it's smooth enough for comfortable recreational use.

Think of our hiatus as the break between seasons of a television show. Well, Kayla is almost done with school and I'm building myself a life coach in my basement to help me deal with my issues; so, Season Two is on its way and will be spectacular!

Two weeks from today Kayla and I are flying to Vegas for (read: to crash) the 2012 Billboard Music Awards; so, that should be spectacular. In the [probable] event we get arrested, that too will bring interesting stories. So, either way, you have something to look forward to!

For now, I must go respond to an email requesting information on the purchase of a penguin. Some people need to be more diligent about researching their Google search results.

With love and unicorn tears,
Mike
Emperor of Gay, Co-Director of Hilarity

Adventures on the Michael-Coaster

One of the requirements to being best friends with Mike is that you must be prepared for insanity at all times. As Mad Eye Moody (RIP) would say, it requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!

At any moment he could spring one of his insane ideas on you, and you have no choice but to hop on board and enjoy the ride. At times it can be exhausting, but it's always interesting and it's never boring.

Here are a few such ideas Mike has come up with in the past year or so.

1. Breeding dwarf hamsters. I can't even make this stuff up, you guys. There was also a blog about how to tame your hamster. The only good thing that came from this is Mike's hamster, Albus, who's the cutest thing ever. I love him to pieces.

D'awwwwwww! See! Adorable. 

2. Galactic Ice. The next money-making scheme was the open an Italian ice cart. In theory, this was actually a pretty good idea. The plan was to sell Italian ice from Little Jimmy's, and the whole thing should have had a relatively low start-up cost for a small cart. Unfortunately, the city of Milwaukee has absolutely ridiculous laws for street vendors, like requiring them to have running water on their carts. It turned into a logistical nightmare. Also, I was not okay with the idea of him spending every weekend of the summer selling flavored ice instead of hanging out with me. Unacceptable. But he did make a pretty awesome website and logo.

Italian ice + Star Wars!? Come on, even I have to admit this is awesome.

3. Sparkle Sack. This endeavor is a bit difficult to explain. I don't know if you guys have heard of Birchbox or Glam Bag, but they're beauty sampling services where you pay $10/month to get a random box of samples. There aren't really a whole lot of sampling services for men though, which is what led Mike to come up with Sparkle Sack. It's pretty much the gayest name we could think of. Mike was all on board for this project until we realized the sampling service idea is probably a fad and not really viable long-term. Not to mention the logistics involved. I'm sure it's a mess to run. Plus he sort of alienated all the straight guys by naming it Sparkle Sack. I highly doubt anyone's going to want a Sparkle Sack delivered with their Sports Illustrated. I don't have a picture for this, so here's a picture of what Mike said I should wear to Pride Fest. Soooooooo not happening.

Image Source

4. The Top Secret Fashion Project. This is Mike's newest idea, and I've been told that if I tell you what it is he'll have to kill me and everyone who reads this. So I'm really just trying to be the hero by not telling you.

He did say that I should ask if anyone knows where he can get fabric made from yarn spun from the fur of sugar gliders who have died of natural causes. He'd seriously love you forever if you have a source for that.

Image Source. WAIT! He wants to do WHAT with my fur!?!? 

Two Girls. One Brain.

It has recently come to Kayla's and my attention that we are creepy and insane. This is probably not news to you, our loyal followers. Honestly, I'm not really that surprised either, but it took someone else's point of view to make things clear. I recently started dating an amazing guy. There are always lots of question in a new relationship and the other day my boyfriend sent me this text:

Boyfriend: May I ask you something without you taking it the wrong way or in a negative way? (I don't mean it that way).

Me: Of course.

Boyfriend: Is there a reason you and Kayla cuddle together? I know it's not in a sexual sense. Did it start because you both were single? I just have never been with someone that cuddles with their best friend so I'm just curious. I mean I obviously know she won't steal you from me but just was wondering.

Wait, not everyone does this? Maybe I'm so struck by this because I haven't seen Kayla in two weeks and am suffering from withdrawal, but it had never occurred to me that this behavior might not be normal. I just assumed that all best friends cuddled, finished each other's sentences, had exchanged more than than 41,000 Facebook messages and even more text messages, and at some point felt like they were actually merging into one person. No?

Oh and did I mention that Boyfriend and Kayla haven't met yet? That happens tonight. They will either love each other or want to kill each other. I'm hoping they love each other, but I'm planning on being the middle spoon just in case.

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds

Our friend Melissa sent me this article via Facebook one day. It essentially explains why you're not married if you want to be.

"Why you're not married." -Tracy McMillan

It's a great article and you should read it and take it to heart if you're seriously confused as to why you're still alone. It's also great for some LOLs.

I do, however, highly recommend that you skip the part where she TELLS YOU TO GET A KID BECAUSE A HUSBAND WILL FOLLOW. I couldn't make this shit up if I wanted to:

"Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios."

Yeah, nothing says "marriage material" like a single mom reeking of desperation.

But seriously guys, who wants to adopt a little cutesy from Ethiopia with me? We can just share it until we snag wealthy Brad Pitt look-a-likes. Lemme know! KTHX!

Creepy Old Vampires

So I recently listened to the audio books of Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse and am about to finish reading Breaking Dawn. First I'm going to get it out of the way that I'm an adult man reading the Twilight saga by suggesting that you read this article which outlines, very frankly, the type of man that reads Twilight. Anyways, I listened to the first three books and didn't read them because I've seen the 3 movies that are already out and really don't have the free time to commit to reading something I already know the story of. So, I listened while at my day job.

First I would like to comment on the lovely young lady who does the reading, Ilyana Kadushin. She does a great job, most of the time. In fact, I only have one issue with her reading: how she does Edward's voice. I understand that she is trying to sound masculine, but she ends up making him sound like a middle aged, female, chain smoker. NOT SEXY. AT ALL. Totally takes away from the vampie's appeal. :/

Second I would like to comment on the character of Edward himself. In my world we have a name for people of his true age chasing after people Bella's age: creepy old men. Just after learning Edward's true age I sent a message to Kayla:

Me: We acknowledge that Edward is just a creepy old man, right?

Kayla:
Yes.
But he sparkles.
So it's okay.
OMG. Dior is coming out with ADHESIVE eyeliner <-- Note: we seem unable to limit ourselves to one conversation at a time -- more to come on that later.

***

I have one issue with her response: all gay men sparkle. So, in my world, I still don't see the difference.