This has all the makings of a fantastic Lifetime movie.

Conversation between me and Emily. She's that Asian that wrote about pumpkin pie last year. And I still have no idea how she eats pumpkin pie with chopsticks...but I digress.

Me: After you're done brunching you should stop over and check my basement for murderers. Please? This is not a drill.

Emily: ...are there typically murderers in your basement?

Me: Not usually, but the outside door to the basement was open when I got home yesterday so I'm pretty sure there are murderers in there now.

Emily: At least they're being nice and staying in the basement and not coming upstairs to bother you...

Me: That's true. But I really need to do laundry and I feel like they're just too lazy to bother breaking into the main floor.

Emily: Maybe if you just throw your laundry down the stairs, they'll wash it for you.

Me: That's actually a good plan. Unless they wash them with poison that will kill me slowly. The cops would never figure it out.

Emily: Do you have poison detergent down there? Or is it more of a BYOP deal?

Me: Definitely BYOP. You think I have high-tech slow-killing poison detergent laying around???

Emily: Well, if their plan is to kill you with slow-killing detergent, then you should be safe to go down there. No knives?

Me: I'm not saying that's their plan. Killing someone slowly with detergent isn't as much fun as slicing and dicing. Probably.

Emily: Probably. But they just bring slow-killing poison detergent JUST IN CASE? That seems impractical.

Me: Maybe they were Boy Scouts. Aren't they supposed to always be prepared???

Emily: Murderous Boy Scouts?!

Me: I don't know! I just know this is totally unfair. I'm super nice about murderers. I'm totally pro-Dexter.

Emily: But you're not a bad guy.

Me: So...you're saying I should kill someone? So they make me part of their murderer club instead of killing me?

Emily: ...yes.

So now I'm pretty sure this murderer thing is just an elaborate scheme by my friends to get me to commit murder and end up in jail forever because there's no way I wouldn't get caught. I'm just not sneaky enough. Which means I have terrible friends. Or a little too much imagination for one person. One of those.

OMG, Free Stuff!

So, we LOVE free stuff. And there are certain people who like to give bloggers free stuff. Well, we recently had our very first experience with this. A (presumably) nice woman from www.V4L.com emailed us offering to send us e-cigarettes to try and then review on the blog. Well, there was one problem: neither of us smokes. But that didn't stop us for accepting for two reasons:

1. We have friends who smoke and we were hoping that we could get them to at least switch to the (presumably) safer* e-cigarettes if they could try them for free. We've heard a lot of people complain about the start-up cost as being very high for something that might not work. We love our friends and don't want them to die young; so, we hoped this would be the perfect pairing.
2. Did I mention we love free stuff?

*Everything we read states that there is no clear research as to whether or not e-cigarettes are actually safer than the genuine article, but, as they eliminate most of the chemicals in a real cigarette, it is commonly assumed that they are safer.

So we received the e-cigarettes in the mail and took them to the bar with us. It didn't go so well. Our friend was hesitant to even try them. We had heard arguments before about them looking stupid and that ended up being a major issue. We finally persuaded our friend to try it, but when she took her first puff, she screamed. See, the end of the "battery" lights up when you inhale. This is supposed to simulate the burning end of a cigarette and is also an indicator during charging and such. Well, the light is VERY bright. Especially in a dark bar. Our friend said something like, "I'll only use this if I'm being raped! It'll blind my attacker and alert the authorities all at once." She then proceeded to go outside, alone, without even her phone as entertainment to smoke the real McCoy. We tried?

That said, Kayla took them to work for people to try and got a few people interested in them. Though it was daylight so maybe the blinding nature of the glowing end wasn't evident?

Oh and we tried to get you guys a discount but the company decided to pass. We considered writing this post without ever mentioning the company's name to spite them, but we're not jerks. At least one of us isn't. We'll let you decide which one of us. (<--rhetorical)

Our Big Fat Gay Bromance

Mike likes to use sexual innuendo with me fairly often. I usually just stare at him, blink a few times, and pretend it didn't happen. Then we go back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

Example:

Kayla: (agreeing to some plans Mike proposed) Okie dokie.

Mike: I'll okie your dokie. ;)

Kayla: ;) Promises Promises.

Mike: =/ I love you, but ew.

Kayla: =/ I know, right?

See, I've never been remotely attracted to Mike because I knew he was gay before I met him. He immediately went into the "friends" box because I don't like to waste my time romancing the unromanceable. But Mike and I have this really strange relationship where we flirt with each other, go out on dates, and cuddle. The other day we were both exhausted and all we wanted to do was go sleep in the same bed together. It's sick. It's strange. And I don't know how we're ever going to survive without each other.

I mentioned to Mike that it's like we have a bromance except for the fact that we're not bros.

Just think about it. I know you've seen some real bros out there that just freaking love each other. If they weren't so afraid of looking gay they'd probably snuggle and go on movie dates just like Mike and me. The only difference is that with us, Mike's gay and I'm a girl. When we go places people just probably think I'm an idiot who doesn't realize that my boyfriend likes dudes. I'm fine with that.

Honestly, I just love having someone who will cut a bitch if they mess with me and not expect sexual favors in return. I might honestly be single forever, simply because Mike treats me so well. I'm spoiled. And I'm okay with that. If my gay best friend treats me like a princess, I'd better expect someone I'm in a romantic relationship with to treat me like a queen. Creepers, losers, and assholes need not apply.

I laughed. I cried. I vomited.

The first thing I'm going to put out there is that this is not a movie review blog. Unless someone wants to pay us to make it that, then we will. So, this review is not going to be technical. I'm not going to tell you who is in the movie because I already forgot and I'm too lazy to look it up. So, if you want more info, GOOGLE IT. Or, if you're lucky, Kayla will be more detailed with her review.

Anyways, Dolphin Tale hits theatres September 23 (that I do know). Being as VIP as we are, I was able to score us four tickets to a sneak preview. Apparently we're not VIP enough to get tickets to Real Steel (same time, same theatre), but we have to take what we can get.

So, what did we get? A movie about a dolphin named Winter (I can handle one word names. It also helped that the character of Winter was played by the real Winter. And a rubber dummy. And magical computery pixels.) ANYWAYS, Winter is a little too inquisitive and gets wrapped up in a crab fishing line which wraps around her tail, killing it (the tail, not the dolphin). Get it, Dolphin Tale is a story about a dolphin's tail? Hahahahahaha...cough.

My favorite part of the movie? The fucking dolphin. But only when it was a dolphin and not rubber (rubbers are good, rubber dolphins are not). P.S. I used to want to be a dolphin/orca trainer, but I wasn't sure it meshed with my then veganism.

Oh, actually, I liked Morgan Freeman too. (OMG, that's TWO names!!)

What didn't I like? First, the acting was TERRIBLE. And I know, I have half of a theatre degree. I'm also going to guess that this movie will be released in 3D given the presence of a five minute toy helicopter scene that, which I didn't realize until the movie was over, did not add ANYTHING to the plot and the use of completely unnecessary computer graphics during a montage later in the film. Also, I'm pretty sure the writer forgot what he was doing half way through the film because they make a HUGE point of making it clear that one kid has a single mother and the other has a single father, but they do NOT end up together. And this isn't a spoiler, because it doesn't happen! Who does have a romantic moment? The two nine year-olds.

Oh, and I also like the plethora of ripped, shirtless swimmers sprinkled throughout the film. And yes, they are in high school in the film (I think?), but I'm pretty sure the youngest one was actually at least 25.

So there, three things I liked and three things I hated.

The verdict: Two thumbs up. If you're between the ages of 4 and 6 or a gay who can be entertained merely by the presence of shirtless men.

I was going to draw a picture of Kayla, our Oriental friend Emily (no I'm not racist or naive, you're just not in on the joke), the guy from this post, and me at the movie, but I'm too exhausted from pointing out all the problems during the movie.