I have a hard time understanding why I don't have a pool full of money yet.

I had an epiphany the other day. I believe it was inspired by a recent visit to Hamburger Mary's in Milwaukee for HamBingo night. It was pretty much the standard bingo scenario. Except the numbers were being called by a drag queen and she did performances between games. And it was FAAAAABULOUS!

I was sitting at Qdoba when I realized that it would be a much more interesting experience if my taco salad had been made by a drag queen. And then I realized that there isn't ANYTHING that wouldn't be improved by the prescence of a saucy gay in drag.

Think about it.

Funerals, weddings, baptisms, family reunions, garbage collection, Congress, divorce, sporting events, prom, doctor's offices, dentist visits, the DMV.

Imagine each of those things. And then imagine them with a drag queen or two.

SO MUCH BETTER, RIGHT???

Drag queens are like clowns, except not FREAKING TERRIFYING. I don't know about you, but I've never had a nightmare about a drag queen trying to kill me. I've never run screaming for my mommy at the sight of a drag queen. Mostly I'm just jealous that their makeup always looks better than mine.

And that's why I'm pro drag queen. Clowns can go back to hell where they came from.

[A/N: I wasn't going to share this incredible idea with you guys because I was afraid someone would steal it and capitalize off my genius. But then I realized that I don't have any moneyyyyyyyy* and I probably need some financial backing to get this off the ground. So if you're interested in investing in my drag placement service, shoot me an email!]

*Read that as if said by that crazy girl from Toddlers and Tiaras shown below.

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And if you're not sure why on earth I would waste time watching this show, this is why:

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Our Big Fat Gay Bromance

Mike likes to use sexual innuendo with me fairly often. I usually just stare at him, blink a few times, and pretend it didn't happen. Then we go back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

Example:

Kayla: (agreeing to some plans Mike proposed) Okie dokie.

Mike: I'll okie your dokie. ;)

Kayla: ;) Promises Promises.

Mike: =/ I love you, but ew.

Kayla: =/ I know, right?

See, I've never been remotely attracted to Mike because I knew he was gay before I met him. He immediately went into the "friends" box because I don't like to waste my time romancing the unromanceable. But Mike and I have this really strange relationship where we flirt with each other, go out on dates, and cuddle. The other day we were both exhausted and all we wanted to do was go sleep in the same bed together. It's sick. It's strange. And I don't know how we're ever going to survive without each other.

I mentioned to Mike that it's like we have a bromance except for the fact that we're not bros.

Just think about it. I know you've seen some real bros out there that just freaking love each other. If they weren't so afraid of looking gay they'd probably snuggle and go on movie dates just like Mike and me. The only difference is that with us, Mike's gay and I'm a girl. When we go places people just probably think I'm an idiot who doesn't realize that my boyfriend likes dudes. I'm fine with that.

Honestly, I just love having someone who will cut a bitch if they mess with me and not expect sexual favors in return. I might honestly be single forever, simply because Mike treats me so well. I'm spoiled. And I'm okay with that. If my gay best friend treats me like a princess, I'd better expect someone I'm in a romantic relationship with to treat me like a queen. Creepers, losers, and assholes need not apply.

Does this Smart Car make me look fat?

Mike and I rarely do anything without first asking the other's opinion on the matter. I'm fairly certain that I've been asked my opinion on which pair of undies Mike should wear, so when he has a date or something I'm never surprised when I receive picture messages of potential outfit and shoe options to weigh in on. We discuss each outfit like military generals preparing for battle.

"DIE for that sweater but is it too much for a movie date?"

"LOVE this v-neck but what if I'm all bloaty tomorrow?"

"Why in GOD'S NAME do you own CAPRIS!? I don't care if they're European. No you may not wear them! Burn them now."

I realize how vain and narcissistic we sound. But that's only because we're really vain and narcissistic.

Anyway, Mike was car shopping after our horrific car accident that we can't really discuss because our lawyer will kill you and probably us as well. He wears a lot of gold chains and smokes cigars so I'm pretty sure he's in the mafia. And obviously when choosing a new car, the most important thing to consider is COLOR! So upon receiving three picture messages from Mike showing his potential new Smart Cars, one white, one green, and one blue, I immediately began to consider the options thoroughly.

"Green would make his eyes look so FIERCE."

"Blue is pretty, but I don't like people with blue cars."

"Ooo the white one has shiny decorations! That could be useful for quick makeup touch-ups!"

My first choice was green, because Mike's eyes are stunning and I could see him flashing those babies, enhanced by the car's hue, at cute pedestrians who would instantly fall in love with him, hop into his Smart Car, and propose with a rock worthy of a Kardashian. I only want the best for him, see?

But then I found out the green car had a matte finish. Um, ew? So white was the OBVIOUS choice. I'm sure you agree.