Thursday, September 15, 2011

I laughed. I cried. I vomited.

The first thing I'm going to put out there is that this is not a movie review blog. Unless someone wants to pay us to make it that, then we will. So, this review is not going to be technical. I'm not going to tell you who is in the movie because I already forgot and I'm too lazy to look it up. So, if you want more info, GOOGLE IT. Or, if you're lucky, Kayla will be more detailed with her review.

Anyways, Dolphin Tale hits theatres September 23 (that I do know). Being as VIP as we are, I was able to score us four tickets to a sneak preview. Apparently we're not VIP enough to get tickets to Real Steel (same time, same theatre), but we have to take what we can get.

So, what did we get? A movie about a dolphin named Winter (I can handle one word names. It also helped that the character of Winter was played by the real Winter. And a rubber dummy. And magical computery pixels.) ANYWAYS, Winter is a little too inquisitive and gets wrapped up in a crab fishing line which wraps around her tail, killing it (the tail, not the dolphin). Get it, Dolphin Tale is a story about a dolphin's tail? Hahahahahaha...cough.

My favorite part of the movie? The fucking dolphin. But only when it was a dolphin and not rubber (rubbers are good, rubber dolphins are not). P.S. I used to want to be a dolphin/orca trainer, but I wasn't sure it meshed with my then veganism.

Oh, actually, I liked Morgan Freeman too. (OMG, that's TWO names!!)

What didn't I like? First, the acting was TERRIBLE. And I know, I have half of a theatre degree. I'm also going to guess that this movie will be released in 3D given the presence of a five minute toy helicopter scene that, which I didn't realize until the movie was over, did not add ANYTHING to the plot and the use of completely unnecessary computer graphics during a montage later in the film. Also, I'm pretty sure the writer forgot what he was doing half way through the film because they make a HUGE point of making it clear that one kid has a single mother and the other has a single father, but they do NOT end up together. And this isn't a spoiler, because it doesn't happen! Who does have a romantic moment? The two nine year-olds.

Oh, and I also like the plethora of ripped, shirtless swimmers sprinkled throughout the film. And yes, they are in high school in the film (I think?), but I'm pretty sure the youngest one was actually at least 25.

So there, three things I liked and three things I hated.

The verdict: Two thumbs up. If you're between the ages of 4 and 6 or a gay who can be entertained merely by the presence of shirtless men.

I was going to draw a picture of Kayla, our Oriental friend Emily (no I'm not racist or naive, you're just not in on the joke), the guy from this post, and me at the movie, but I'm too exhausted from pointing out all the problems during the movie.


  1. Um, CLEARLY they were 11 years old.

    And you forgot about the iconic blender-without-a-lid gag during the montage. GOLDEN.

    Asian. I'm not a fucking rug. Jeeeeze.


  2. I'm sure Kayla will pick up my slack in her review.

    I <3 you my ASIAN friend!