Friday, September 16, 2011

Morgan Freeman is awesome at being Morgan Freeman

FYI: This post might contain spoilers of the movie Dolphin Tale. I really haven't decided what I'm going to say about it yet, so it could go either way.

EDIT: There ARE spoilers. If you're REALLY invested in this movie, turn back now!

If you read Mike's post, you'll know that we, being the awesome VIPs that we are, were lucky enough to get SNEAK PEAK tickets for Dolphin Tale, which will be in theaters September 23. If you didn't read his post, go do it now. I'll wait.

I went to see this movie fully expecting it to be terrible and also fully expecting to cry. For most people, horrible movies ruin any potential spark of emotion. I, however, cried during one of the Pokemon movies so clearly my emotions are a little out of whack.

I don't recall anybody's name except for the boy (Sawyer), the girl (Hazel), and the dolphin (Winter). They had some disabled dude who missed swimming, but I honestly would have forgotten all about him if he hadn't looked so hot with his shirt off.

I have no idea what Morgan Freeman's character was named. It doesn't matter. I honestly don't think they wrote him any lines. It seemed like they put him on set and told him to just say whatever the fuck he wanted. And honestly? I fucking LOVED it. Half the shit he said made NO sense at all and he STILL stole the show. That's talent, folks.

With Morgan Freeman in action, the movie became much more enjoyable, that is, until the unnecessary 3D montage began. I think they finished half of the film before realizing that this is the LAMEST 3D movie ever, so to save it they threw in a montage of random prosthetic dolphin tail blueprints and parts floating around. From that moment on they threw in the most random 3D CGI just to make shit look it was TOTALLY worth paying the extra couple bucks to see it in 3D.

Another thing that really annoyed me with the movie is that they spent a LOT of time setting up details that never came together in the end. Like Mike mentioned, they went out of their way to tell us that the girl only had a dad and the boy only had a mom, yet didn't take the next logical step to make the two single parents a couple in the end. Another detail that was beaten to death was that the boy really loved making toy helicopters and tinkering in his workshop. This led me to expect that he would help build Winter's new tail. That didn't happen either. The only thing that happened with the helicoper crap is that they added a COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY segment involving a haywire helicoper zooming around comically before crashing to the ground. It added nothing to the film aside from some more shit-that-looks-cool-in-3D.

Bottom line:
This movie was just okay. The plot is predictable, the humor is juvenile (cue kid turning on a blender without the lid on and everyone getting sprayed with fish goo), and the characters are just not worth caring about. By the end of the movie you may just want to shoot the dolphin yourself and be done with it.
You will like this movie if:
1. You have kids and want to take them to a movie that won't scar them for life or make them cynical little assholes like Mike and me.

2. You're the guy/girl who's always like "That's what she said!" because there were a lot of moments that pervy people would laugh at.

3. You love shitty movies.

4. You love dolphins.

5. You'll watch any movie featuring guys with their shirts off.

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