Thursday, September 29, 2011

PANIC! At the Flat Top

Mike and I decided to go out for dinner tonight. I asked where he'd like to go and he chose Flat Top Grill. I've never been there, so I decided to check out their menu. It turns out this place is basically Subway but with stir fry instead of sandwiches. You pick from a ton of ingredients and they cook it for you.

I'm not sure if you guys know this about me, but I am incapable of making decisions. I grew up with a father and brother who get really salty when they don't get their own way, so my mom and I have adapted to them. We generally don't have an opinion on things like food, so we just go along for the ride and eat wherever we're taken. This applies to ordering as well. I never know what I want so I just get what my mom gets.

Flat Top Grill threw a huge motherfucking wrench in THAT plan.

Mike loves spicy food. I don't. So right away I know I can't just say "I'll have what he's having."

Enter anxiety attack.

Luckily, to help morons like me understand the ordering process, Flat Top Grill has an app on their website that walks you through it. I was optimistic when I saw this handy little app. I thought, "Wow, maybe I'll avoid looking like a total dumbass today."

I clicked the link and began the first step.

STEP 1: Rice or Noodles? Please select one.

WHAT? Already I'm faced with a HUGE dilemma. How can I choose the base for my entire meal when I don't know what I want to mix it with? Rice? Noodles? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!! I expressed my panic to Mike and he said he always gets noodles. So, I picked noodles.

STEP 2: Vegetables. Please select your favorite vegetables.

I took a deep breath. Okay, you can do this Kayla. It's just 5 pictures of vegetables. Click on the ones you like. Only...what the FUCK is number 4 supposed to be a picture of? It looks like a tortilla chip. OMG WHAT IS IT??? WHY IS THIS SO HARD!?!?

STEP 3: Sauces. Please select your flavors.

Okay. 5 choices again. Kayla YOU CAN DO THIS. Wait...WTF? What is "Asian Tastes" supposed to taste like? Or "Allergy Friendly"?? That sounds disgusting. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what any of this means.

STEP 4: Proteins. Please select your protein.

Okay, this is the only part that I can actually figure out. *clicks "Chicken"* Whew! NOW we're rolling right along!

So then the computer "cooks" my bowl and voila, it looks like food.

Except I still have NO FUCKING CLUE how any of that happened. And Mike told me that it's way more complicated than the app. AND you have to put the stuff in your bowl YOURSELF. So...great. I'm going to look like a moron. This is my cue to crawl under my desk and cry.

I'll let you guys know how it goes.


Okay, guys. So the Flat Top Grill was actually not even a little bit scary. I feel really stupid for being so worried. Our server was the BOMB DOT COM. She was so sweet and walked me through the whole thing and helped me find a good sauce combination. Luckily we got there fairly early in the evening so when Mike and I went up to put our bowls together we were the only two at the station. My food was DELICIOUS. OMG that bread was to die for. My only regret is that I didn't manage to fit more stuff into my bowl. Definitely piling way more on next time.

I was asked to take a picture of my noodle concoction, so here's some food porn for you (sorry about the shitty pic, my phone isn't the best picture taker):

After dinner, Mike and I decided to visit Sephora, which is probably as close to nirvana as I'll ever get. In case you didn't know, I'm obsessed with makeup; I blog about it on my other site, Beauty Charade. I'll be writing a post here featuring my ridiculous makeup collection, because you really have to see it to believe it. It will reaffirm your suspicions that I am, in fact, COMPLETELY out of my mind. I picked up a few things tonight, but I'm proud to say that Mike actually spent MORE than me!!!!! So that was awesome and I'm still giggling about it. He got the man version of my favorite perfume because it isn't enough that we finish each other's sentences, we have to SMELL the same too.

But anyway, I had a blast with Mike, as always. We spent a fair amount of time gushing about how much we love writing this blog and how much we LOVE all of you. So thanks for visiting, commenting, tweeting and just being awesome! <3


  1. I've only been there once, and it was for breakfast. They let you pick from a cornucopia of ingredients, and then decide if they should turn them into an omelet, a pancake, a "scramble" or whatever. I think they can even just dump it on top of a waffle. Now THAT'S stressful. It was the first time in my life I've had the option to make a Soy Bean and Toffee Omelet with Gummi Worms on top. Awesome.

  2. Wow, Daniel. Thanks. Now I'm even MORE terrified. I swear they need to offer beginner's classes for this place.

  3. Close your eyes and point. That's how I would do it. Then do the same while you eat, except instead of point, just stab aimlessly with your fork.


    (However, don't do the same thing to your face once you've loaded your fork. Slowly and calmly put it in your mouth without stabbing.)

    Love your writing!

    Brian, your friend from Popcorn Day

  4. W-w-w-wait. You two are from WISCONSIN?!! I'M FROM LA CROSSE. And I wrote a musical that takes place in Milwaukee!

    Stop it. Stop it RIGHT NOW.

  5. @Brian Schroeder Your idea was EXCELLENT. Thank goodness I took your advice on the loaded fork; the evening nearly ended in disaster. Also, A MUSICAL ABOUT MILWAUKEE!? I think I'm a little obsessed with you now. I need to get one of those creepy jars from Mike I think...

  6. What perfume did you get Mike? You should try the female version next time. I find that scents don't really have a gender. Depends on the body chemistry. I was surprised that you could go back for seconds at the restaurant. I know a place called BD Mongolian Grill. They have one in Milwaukee. I like to call it BM however.

  7. I want this restaurant in the UK. Sucks to be me.