Monday, September 26, 2011

There's a Bomb in the Oven!

Tonight Kayla and I went to see Abduction. You know, that traumatic drama about a teenage boy who discovers his picture on a missing persons web-site and realizes that his parents are not who he thinks they are?

I am so glad we went. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Seriously, I was laughing so hard that I was using my butter-stained napkin to sop up tears.

I'm going to try very hard not to spoil anything, but no promises.

I should start by saying that Kayla and I fully expected the movie to be terrible and that we only went to see it because the main character, Nathan, is played by Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame. In fact, when deciding whether or not to see it, Kayla polled her Twitter followers:

"Hey guys, on a scale of 1-10, how shirtless is Taylor Lautner in Abduction? Trying to decide if I wanna see it or not."

He's shirtless, but not enough. I'm not sure if him being shirtless the entire movie would have been worth it.

Let's start out by discussing the questionable parenting skills of the people who raised Nathan.

Nathan gets to school on a motorcycle. I just did some research because I didn't even think it was legal for someone under the age of 18 (Nathan is like 16 or something) to get a motorcycle license, but apparently, if you jump through some hoops, it is. What really bothered Kayla and I was that he never wore a helmet. C'mon folks, he's not an indestructible werewolf in this one! What parent is going to let their minor son ride a motorcycle without a helmet? Especially parents who have gone through what these ones have? (See, no details = no spoiler)

There is also the issue of how they handle the movie's romance between Nathan and another high school student. Nathan's "mother" questions him when he tries to leave to go to the girl's house. Ultimately she lets him go, but after he leaves she turns to his "father" and makes it perfectly clear that she expects them to do the dirty deed. And you still let him go??? I almost threw a condom at the screen myself.

Speaking of this teenage romance, nobody wants to see teenagers make out so passionately. It's just weird. There was a creepy old man [completely alone] two seats to the left of Kayla who was probably also only there to see Taylor shirtless and even he burst out laughing when Nathan grabs the girl's ass when they are making out.

Gross.

Now let's discuss the writing. I'm not going to go too far into the script because I really want to avoid spoilers, but something happens early in the movie that I have to discuss. A couple of bad guys break in to Nathan's house and attack his family. Nathan is about to finish off one of the bad guys when said bad guy yells, "There's a bomb in the oven!" It was the most ridiculous and cliché line ever. I couldn't help but burst into a fit of laughter. At the same time I was yelling in my head when the kids turned away from the bad guy and toward the kitchen: No there isn't, you idiots. It's just a distraction so you don't kill him! So Nathan and the girl (I forgot her name if you haven't figured that out) ran to the oven and opened it. My bad. There actually was a fucking bomb in the oven.

We're not even going to discuss the motivations behind putting a bomb in the oven, but we are going to discuss the logistics of it. Frankly, the bomb was quite large and it was clear that neither of the bad guys were carrying it when they came in to the house. It's my assumption then that a conversation must of happened at some point when the action was not following these villains. It's my guess that it went something like this:

Bad Guy #1: Fuck. I forgot the bomb in the car. Shit. Here, hold my gun. BRB.

He starts towards the car.

Bad Guy #1: Ah shit, I forgot the keys. Hey, Bad Guy #2, I need the keys! Can you just pop the trunk?

Bad Guy #2 mumbles something.

Bad Guy #1: Yeah, yeah. I know! I'll do her in when I get back, can you just fucking pop the trunk? I gotta get the bomb.

Bad Guy #2 mumbles something else.

Bad Guy #1: Fuck you! I'm not trying to skirt my duties! I'll do it! Now open the trunk and go preheat the oven! The bomb ain't done baking yet!


The movie's writing is just terrible. That's what it comes down to. I don't know anyone else's opinion of Sigourney Weaver, but the dialogue in this movie made her look like a low budget soap opera actress. In fact, Taylor Lautner's acting was actually pretty good for how terrible the script was.

Unlike Dolphin Tale, I don't even know who would actually like this movie. It is extremely anti-climatic and just plain terrible. The only person who will probably enjoy it is the gay in one of the crowd scenes who was visibly geeking out because he was so close to Taylor Lautner that he could reach out and lick him.

13 comments:

  1. LMAO!!! You two are so hilarious!!! Maybe to get my shirtless Taylor fix I will just pause one of the Twilight movies and look at it while I do the dishes. xD

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  2. LOL! Always a viable option! I'm sure the boy would just LOVE that. ;D

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  3. Now that you mention it, I do still have Kayla's copies of the movies. Maybe you're on to something, Danielle...

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  4. Thanks for the review! It sounds like this one can wait for DVD... or maybe Blu-ray, it sounds like there was at least SOME shirtlessness.

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  5. Honestly, I'd wait until it hits the $5 bin at Walmart or gets added to Netflix Instant. Just watch the Twilight movies, he's WAYYYY more shirtless in those.

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  6. Yes Daniel, there is SOME shiftlessness; so, it's not a total waste if you get roped into seeing it, but I'd hold off if you have a choice. Like Kayla says, just buts out New Moon if you need a fix.

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  7. Good Lord, how bad is the writing that it can lessen the impact of TL shirtless? FUNERALS have a hard time lessening the impact of TL shirtless. The dialogue was officially worse than death.

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  8. It's funny you should say that, Betty. Kayla may or may not have had to take my butter knife away from me at one point...

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  9. True story. I was afraid for his life.

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  10. Is it bad that this made me want to see the movie?

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  11. Not at all. Like Mike said, he was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Just go in expecting a comedic parody of an action movie and you'll have a blast. ;)

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  12. I'm so so glad you didn't include any spoilers here because I'm definitely planning on seeing this movie! You can't tell because I'm typing, but that was sarcasm ;)

    Also, I am obsessed with your bloggy blog - NOT sarcasm.

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