Monday, October 17, 2011

Fun with MRIs

Due to the accident that Mike and I were in that we can't tell you about because we'd have to kill you, I had to get 4 MRIs and a CT scan. I've never had any major medical issues before so these were both new to me, but I kept telling everyone that I'd be able to power through because I'm a motherfucking CHAMP. I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking because they don't give sedatives to motherfucking CHAMPS, only to weenies that can't handle being confined in small spaces (i.e. me). Missing out on relaxing drugs was mistake number one.

Mistake number two was electing to do 2 MRIs in a row rather than spacing out all four. I'm not sure if you're aware of how MRIs work, but basically you lay on a hard plastic table that slides into an obnoxiously loud and rather small tube. The best part? You're not allowed to move. At all. If you do, they punish you by making you stay in longer. When you have 2 MRIs done in a row, you have to stay in the tube for twice as normal, so I was laying on that damn plastic board for over and HOUR trying not to hyperventilate even though I felt like I was in an alien abduction involving poorly-tuned pipe organs.

Do you tune pipe organs? Whatever, you get the idea.

Mistake number three was not my fault at all only partially my fault. The radiologist told me that not only would I be laying immobile in a tube, but she would also have to restrain my head with two plastic cages over my face. She said that a lot of people feel better with a washcloth over their face so they can't see the restraint. At this point I conveniently forgot that whenever I have something covering my face my brain convinces my body that it can't BREATHE. So I cheerily said, "Sure! Give me the works!" The "works" resulted in me laying on a plastic stretcher in a noisy tube with a washcloth and cage over my face while hyperventilating and still trying to stay completely still. This sounds very S&M but I assure you there was nothing remotely sexy about this situation.

When it was FINALLY over they let me out of my restraints and told me I could sit up as soon as I could. I all but flew out the door before remembering that I had no idea how to navigate the labyrinth of hallways leading back to the patient locker room. It was then that I realized the lady that had put me into the machine was NOT the same one that took me out of it and I had been talking to her as if she was the same person, even referring to things I had talked about exclusively with the first woman.

I'm pretty sure they did that just to make me look dumb.

I hate MRIs.


  1. I have MS, so I get to have MRI's every year. Lucky me. I have learned to always get the anti-anxiety meds - I'm not claustrophobic at all, but I cannot sit absolutely still for that long. I always have to yawn, cough, sneeze, swallow, and I'm convinced that if I breathe too deeply it'll ruin the scan and I'll have to do the test all over again. I usually have to do 2 at once, brain and spinal cord, because if you do them separately it costs a LOT more. I listen to music if at all possible. And I try to keep my eyes closed so that I can pretend that nothing unusual is happening. Good luck!

  2. I've never had an MRI before and thanks to this description I'm going to be extra diligent about ensuring I never do. You can see that as your good deed of the day.

  3. @Rooz That BLOWS. I'm a horrible MRI-taker. And I'm fairly certain there's nothing worse than when they tell you that you fucked it up and they have to re-do it.

    @plumsauce10 Glad to be of service. After this ordeal I'm about ready to turn into bubble girl.

  4. Right, I just scratched MRI off my list of "things I'd like to do someday".

  5. I guess I'm pretty fortunate. I have MS also but I haven't had to have an MRI since I was diagnosed. It didn't bother me at all. In fact, I fell asleep. Just don't ask me to do anything involving a needle. That will make me a nervous wreck!

  6. I think this was my favorite post yet! Mostly because I could picture 110% of it. That's right, I could even picture the parts you DIDN'T tell us about. I'm just that good. You know, like the part where you realized you kind of needed to toot and then went into panic mode wondering if you could possibly toot without moving and whether or not the magical MRI guy would be able to hear your toot over the noise of the machine, or if the machine was only loud on your end, and then magical MRI guy/girl would be like OMG GROSS TOOTS.

    This rant was brought to you by the fact that I'm sitting in the computer lab on campus and the guy next to me definitely just dropped ASS and it was loud and I'm trying to pretend I'm so focused on whatever I'm typing that I didn't hear it but I totally did. Toots are on the brain.

  7. Fortunately, I did NOT have to toot. But glad you are capable of imagining me doing so.

    You should have turned and looked at the tooter disapprovingly and said with a British accent, "Why, sir! Excuse you!"