Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Why I Will Never Have Snooki's Tan

I have a really hard time using tanning beds, and not for the reason you may think. I'm not at all afraid of the fact that they're cancerous. I'm pretty much at peace with the fact that I'm going to get some form of cancer eventually so I might as well have fun while I can. And let's be honest here, I could stay inside and never let the sun touch my skin and still end up with skin cancer.

Author's Note: I don't condone excessive fake baking. It's stupid for a few reasons. 1) It IS cancerous. D'uh. 2) It will make you look OLD AS FUCK. So unless you'd like to try for the senior discount at your 30th birthday dinner, limit your exposure. 3) Snooki. Do you really want to look like her? Have you seen her? Here's a picture:

Yeah you're never stepping in a tanning salon again, right? Good.

My friends always rave about how they love tanning because it's soooo relaxing. For me, it's about as relaxing as an MRI.
My mania begins about three minutes into my session. I've got my lotion and those little glasses on and I've managed to stay still and calm thus far. Then the panic sets in as I start to convince myself that I'm trapped in the tanning bed. I mean, what if the lid doesn't open and I end up stuck in here forever until I look like those gross mummy dudes I learned about in Mortuary Studies class? So not sexy. To calm myself down I open the lid just to prove to myself that I can. This rush of sweet relief from my mind-numbing panic doesn't last though. Once the panic has begun, it finds its way back to me each time I shut the lid.

In the course of the next 5 minutes, I have to open the lid at least 5 more times. JUST TO BE SURE, GODDAMMIT.

Then my panic becomes amplified by new and even more terrifying thoughts. What if my luck's run out? What if it was just a fluke that I was able to successfully open the bed 5 times in a row and now I'm stuck here forever!? WHAT IF I'M BURNING!? OMG I can't be LOBSTER RED for class tomorrow! I have to give a presentation!!!

At this point I wave the white flag and jump out of the bed. Fuck this noise. I can't believe I PAY to be driven to complete paranoia.

Self-tanner is so much less stressful.


  1. I have never been in one of those things, but i have had an MRI- so i think will stay so white i am almost see through!

    AND I think u guys are really funny, so I gave you a blog award!! Come check it out

  2. Ew, Snooki. I've *technically* never watched Jersey Shore, but sometime's it's on at the gym, and it make me want to fall off the treadmill just for the sake of a distraction.

    1. I've *technically* never watched it either. I turned it on one day and Snooki was in a hot tub groping someone so I was like, "" and watched the Disney Channel instead. xD

  3. I once blogged about Snooki and I considered depicting her as an orange bell pepper for at least a half-hour. I decided against it, though.

    Let's be honest: in twenty years she's going to resemble a glorified toe.

    1. Oh wow. I'm imagining her with a bell pepper for a head and it is a funny funny picture.

      It's nice that you think she'll be a *glorified* toe. I wouldn't go that far. I think she'll pretty much look like one of the California Raisins...minus the talent. Those raisins were awesome.