Thursday, June 21, 2012

A PSA on the Miracle of Childbirth and Appropriate Use of Facebook

 I decided to take a few minutes out of my extremely busy schedule to talk about something that has been plaguing me on Facebook for the better part of 3 months now.

*cue the Sarah McLachlan music*

It has come to my attention that my Facebook friends have been procreating at an alarming rate. Even worse? These kids are actually LEGITIMATE, not teen pregnancies. So now I'm feeling ridiculously old and behind in life because I haven't popped out a kid yet.

But probably the worst side effect of all is that my Facebook Stalker News Feed is full of the most alarming content.

I'm not talking about the zillions of cute baby pictures. I actually enjoy those. I know there are some real Scrooges out there that go all HULK SMASH when their Facebook is overrun by infants, but I think all of your kids are just freaking adorable.

I'm talking about the aspects of motherhood that are gross and/or controversial and that have no place on my social media feeds.

Here are a few of examples:

1. Breastfeeding. It's natural. It's good for your baby. It's a bonding experience. I get that, I really do. But if I see ONE MORE status proclaiming that "Breast is Best!" I'm going to lose my mind. First, don't you dare think you're a better mother just because you're breastfeeding your kid. Not everyone can do it and that's okay. Breastfeeding your kid until he's 4 doesn't make you some kind of super mom. The same is true on the flip side of this coin. If someone wants to breastfeed their kid until he's 4, that's nobody's business. You go on with your breastfeeding self, lady! I'm not a mom, but I think motherhood should be a lot less bitchy and judgmental.

2. Crime Scene Delivery Photos. Again, I totally understand that birth is a natural part of the human existence, but until I experience it myself, I'd like to remain blissfully ignorant of exactly what I should expect when I'm expecting. That means I don't want to see any pictures of your kid covered in birth goo. I try to pretend you just rolled it in watery ketchup before taking pictures, but my brain keeps sabotaging that delusion. I understand that you might want pictures of your gooey newborn around just in case your kid questions if he/she was adopted or not, but social media can wait until it's been wiped clean and given a cute little outfit.

3. Placenta. NO, don't cross that off. I'm serious. PLACENTA. This only happened once, but I'm still haunted. I know placenta is supposed to be super chic right now; for example, January Jones had hers made into pills that she takes everyday. I don't think I could do that without vomiting, but if placenta is your particular cup o' tea, you'll have no judgment from me. [That rhymes! I should put it on t-shirts!] HOWEVER, sharing placental [is this a word?] photographs on Facebook is so beyond inappropriate for several reasons. First, see above for my little rant about breastfeeding. Just because someone isn't going to EAT their placenta, doesn't mean they're a bad mom. And vice versa. No judging. Second, I came across that photo on my NEWS FEED while I was EATING my lunch. Which was leftover lasagna by the way, and which you RUINED with your gross picture. There is a time and a place for placenta. Facebook is NEVER the place. And my lunch break is NEVER the time. Got it? Good.

In conclusion, I don't care how you choose to raise your kid. Unless you're teaching it to torture and/or maim animals and children or you are torturing and/or maiming your kid. As long as you're not breaking the law, how you give birth to and feed your kid is none of my business. Whatever you decide to do with your placenta is none of my business.

And that is why I am BEGGING you to stop putting these things on Facebook.

BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Thank you for your consideration in this matter.


  1. Haha, I love this post!! My husband actually told me we're getting old, because about a year ago our friends started having planned, white-picket-fence type babies. I don't like the weird alien-lizard sonogram pics (and dear lord, if I read "he has his daddy's nose! " on one more of those... YOU CANNOT TELL WHOSE NOSE THAT FETUS HAS.) or the tomato-paste covered baby. Yes, I pretend the babies just got back from that tomato-throwing festival in Spain; it's less gross than picturing my friend's bloody, stretched out, floppy vaginas.
    I've not seen any placenta pics- and now I feel like I should write thank you notes to my mom-friends for that. GROSS.

    1. OH MY GOD I wasn't even thinking about the lady parts. Thanks for that! Blehhhhh.

      PS: You have a husband? You're DEFINITELY old. ;)

  2. Oh God. The Placenta photo sounds like the worst kind of nightmare!

    One of my cousins posted a delivery photo where the doctor's head just happened to be blocking her hot pocket. To this day, I have no idea why she would ever post a photo from that angle. If I don't want to see pictures of your face in pain during labour, I CERTAINLY don't want to see your legs spread open.

    1. Oh wow. If/when I'm giving birth, anyone that brings in a camera while all that gross is going on will be stabbed in the eye. I don't want to be photographed until everything's cleaned up and I've paid a visit to hair and makeup.

  3. I personally just think my friends need to stop popping out kids and getting married IN GENERAL. Meanwhile, I just get hammered every night and go to bed alone. But at least I don't have any snot nosed kids or snot nosed husband. I think I win.

    1. Bitter much? <3

    2. shut up. i like being alone and drunk.

    3. You have lots of snot nosed friends that love you to pieces!