Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Keeping Up With Mike and Kayla

Since it's all anybody's been talking about, I'm sure you've heard that Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from her husband after just 72 days of marriage. A lot of people are upset because home girl actually MADE around $20 million off of her wedding. I'm upset because as a country we allow stupid behavior like a hasty marriage followed by a hasty divorce but we don't allow gay marriage. You know what's ruining the sanctity of marriage? Divorce. Not the gay community.

But I digress, because I didn't come here today to rant about society's problems. I came here to discuss the brilliant decision I've made to follow in Kim K.'s stiletto-ed footsteps, and drag Mike right along with me as usual.

Some people look at Kim K.'s wedding as an exercise in excess and stupidity, but I see her as a total visionary. Most gold diggers have to marry someone wealthy and wait for them to croak before they can collect their millions. But Kim made millions off of the wedding and only had to stay married for 2.5 months. If that's not genius, I don't know what is. Home girl was also smart enough to get a pre-nup, so she really came out on top in this situation.

I told Mike of my plans today:

I think we need to get really really famous and then get married so we can be rich. We can each wear 3 custom Vera Wang gowns. Unless you'd rather have some custom-made suits encrusted with diamonds. I'm okay with that too. But you have to have 3 outfits. And we can each wear $2.5 million diamond headpieces so we look like Armenian princesses. And let's film it all for a 5 hour television special showing us doing nothing but bickering about every single detail until the day we get married.

Then we need to get a divorce for an E! special that we'll make more money off of. Have to keep 'em interested while we're still relevant. We can sit down with Ryan Seacrest and talk about how hard it was for us to be married and blame it on everything but our own piss poor planning.

And then I'll have a fake pregnancy and sell the story to People magazine for a cool million. I'll make sure to be seen out with a bunch of different famous guys first so there's a lot of "who's the baby daddy?" drama for people to speculate about.

Then YOU can have a fake pregnancy and sell the story to People magazine.

And then we can adopt some kids from Africa and sell our first family photo to People magazine for several millions.

Then once we've done so many ridiculous things that people have forgotten about our first ridiculously lavish wedding, we'll get married again and live happily ever after in our castle in France.

The end.

Sounds pretty darn fool-proof to me!


  1. This is the most brilliant plan I've ever heard!

  2. Thanks! I do think it's one of my better ideas. Much easier than trying to convince someone old and rich to marry me without a pre-nup!

  3. Good luck with your fool-proof plan! I've been trying to get my Hick to agree to having a peacock at our wedding and he won't even say yes to that (yet...)!

    Maybe you can also hire some actor wannabes to pretend to be your (not so) secret mistresses! You should have at least 5 each!

  4. Christine, you are a GENIUS!

  5. Dude. I have had the exact same life plan for like fifteen years. Mine involves a member of the royal family and a beautiful actor like zefron for the beautiful kids. I honestly don't know why more people aren't exploiting the institution of marriage more than they are. Are they stupid or something?

  6. We are clearly a whole lot smarter than the average bear. The whole "gold digger" thing is so passe, and rarely works out now that everyone's all running around getting pre-nups. Pre-nups! THAT'S what's ruining the institution of marriage! xD

  7. I'm totally coming back to this post when I have more time to share a really funny divorce story with you guys. LOL.

  8. Ohhh that sounds tragically hilarious. Please carve out a spot in your schedule to share that ASAP! =D