See, what I meant by "kill" was...

I really don't understand my hair's absolute refusal to be blond given some of the things I do. One such example occurred on Friday.

On Friday Jenny, aka The Bloggess (in case you missed our infatuation with her see here, here, and here), invited President Obama to lunch via Twitter :

“.@BarackObama : I'll be in dc in a few hours. Lunch? My treat. But only if it's sliders. I'm craving sliders."

I retweeted. Which is harmless. Unless you add the hashtag "#inviteiwouldkillfor."

It took me almost an hour to realize that using the word “kill” in a tweet to the President of the United States is probably not the smartest idea. Especially when expressing jealousy. This was bad enough in itself. Then Kayla reminded me we were going to be flying to Vegas in two days. So I figured that I had a one way ticket to the no fly list.

But don't worry, Kayla reassured me...

“It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

I wrote this post on Saturday and scheduled it to post on Monday. So if you're seeing it, we didn't have any problems at the airport yesterday. Or I'm in jail and unable to cancel this post.

Cirque du Soleil (sp?) (Also, Boobies) (Oh, and Oprah) (But not Oprah's Boobies)

I hope I spelled "Cirque du Soleil" correctly...considering I do have a degree in French.

ANYWAYS...as Kayla has been saying, "VEGAS! VEGAS! VEGAS! VEGAS!"

We leave Sunday morning and we are soooooooo excited. We leave Milwaukee at like 7 AM on Sunday and go through a time loop hole (or however that works), therefore gaining two hours so we should be there at like 9 AM Vegas time. A little later than I had hoped to start drinking, but maybe we can start on the plane. I've previously mentioned that we plan on crashing the 2012 Billboard Music Awards. The awards start at 5 PM so we'll be on the red carpet (or at least within two miles of it) a few hours before that. Then, I plan to yell the wrong name at various celebrities. That is sooooo much more likely to get their attention than using the right name. This is brilliant; I don't know why no one has thought of it before. Though, I should clarify that I will yell the wrong name UNLESS we see R.K. Follesé from Hot Chelle Rae. Then I will scream like a seven year old girl and began sobbing uncontrollably as I yell how much I love him and want to have his babies. And that´s saying a lot given that I don´t want children. But I just love him so much. He looks so good in a tank top. I mean how many guys really look good in a tank top? Yum.

Anyways, this post was supposed to be about Cirque du Soleil (By the way, that means Circus of the Sun. Seeeeee, my degree isn't completely worthless!), but I don't remember what my point was.

...

Oh yeah! We are going to see Cirque du Soleil Sunday night. They have 17 Cirque shows in Vegas. Okay, they actually have four shows, but did we learn nothing about dramatic effect? Kayla (which I just tried to spell with a "C." Thankfully I caught it before I published this post so you didn't see how special I am.) said that we are going to see Cirque du Soleil O. Upon learning this I immediately became very excited, because I love Oprah! I expressed my excitement to Kayla and she told me that, unfortunately, Oprah is not the star of this show. This is upsetting, but it's also just plain bad business! Do you know how much people would pay to see Oprah twirling around in the air while interviewing celebrities (who would also be twirling around in the air) and giving away stuff?

"You get tickets to the booby show! And you get tickets to the booby show! And you get tickets to the booby show!"

[You should know that I just Googled both "booby show" and "titty show" to determine which is more commonly used. It's "titty show," but I have an Eskimo friend (who may actually be a mix of Asian* and something else and not actually Eskimo at all) who despises the word "tit" so I decided to stick with "booby."]

Also, I'M GOING BLOND TONIGHT! This may or not be related to my current one-third life crisis.

*I'm 92% sure she's Japanese and something European, but, despite the nature of this blog (and the numerous times that I've referred to Guest Blogger Emily as "Oriental"), I don't really want to label this friend (not to be confused with Emily) as the incorrect variety (is it okay to say "variety?") of Asian.

Michael Trevino is a god. And Bigfoots are under appreciated.

I think it's time for a new tag: NSFM. Not Safe For Mom. Hi, Mom! Hi, Kayla's Mom! This blog is one big joke, but you may want to turn back now. I would never be graphic (well...I might be a LITTLE graphic) or gross, but you still may not want to read parts of what follows. You've been warned. <3

Shall we begin?

This week I set out to create a collage of pictures of some of my favorite ripped celebrities. The purpose of this collage was to remind me why I'm working out so hard: so that can be all muscly and hot too. During my hunt for shirtless pictures, I discovered that Michael Trevino (who plays Tyler Lockwood on The Vampire Diaries) did a photo shoot for Bench Underwear. Well...soon my celebrity collage became a mostly-Michael Trevino collage. I couldn't help myself. I shared a picture with the boyfriend and said "this is my new goal body" and his response was "Is that attainable!?" To which I responded "Over time, yes." And he said "Yes, let's aim for that!" Of course by "over time" I meant "Over ten years once I win the lottery and can spend six hours per day working out." Eh, details.

(click for bigger - various sources, please do sue me!)

This discovery led to a bit of an obsession with Michael Trevino and I started following him on Twitter. Through his tweets I have learned something: Michael Trevino is a total bro. A bro who is always wearing something (hat, shirt, etc.) that says "Raised by wolves." Let me tell you what I'm raised by: pictures of Michael Trevino in underwear.

Of course now that I've said that, my mom (who probably kept reading despite the disclaimer) is going to think that my workout motivation collage is really motivation for something else.

Let's change the subject....

Last week I came up with a great idea for a TV series. I'm still working on my novel, but I would like to try my hand at TV too and I thought I had an ingenious idea! Recently my parents have revealed an obsession of their own: the Animal Planet series Finding Bigfoot. I happen to love bigfoots (and yetis as well). So I was like, "OMG! A bigfoot drama!" In this drama we will learn that bigfoots do in fact exist and that they are not only smart, but they are smarter than us! They will finally become fed up with man kind and decide to reveal themselves and subsequently take over the world. And then I had another realization: "OMG, Michael Trevino can play the lead human!"

And then I told Kayla about this idea and she responded: "So you're writing Planet of the Apes?" >_<

The Dearly Departed

Merry Christmas! Joyeux Noël! (←Look, my degree is good for something!) I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season and time with their families! We do our best to enjoy their company while we have them in our lives, but what about once they pass on? It is during this time of year that many of us remember our lost loved ones in a variety of different ways;  some traditional, some not. I prefer the ones that aren't.

Person 1: "That diamond necklace is gorgeous!"
Person 2: "Thank you, it's my mother!"
Person 1: "You mean it's your mother's."
Person 2: "Nope. This is my mother. Mom, this is Person 1."

At this point it's probably not news to you that you can turn your loved ones into diamonds. (Note: I asked one of the companies if they have to be dead first and they said yes. Sad ballerino* :( ). Anyways, you may not know that there are other options too! Now you can also turn grandma into beads! The best part is that beads are only hundreds of dollars, not thousands like the diamonds. Also, you can preserve your loved one's hair and make a necklace. That's probably the cheapest option. Please note that I would advise against wearing any of these things while on a date. Unless you met the person on a necrophiliac dating site.

Personally, I don't quite understand why you would go through such extravagant trouble. I should preface this by mentioning that Kayla and I have a plan in place were one of us to die before the other. If all goes according to our plans we will die together in an intimate embrace, but there is an off chance that won't happen. In that case, we have an agreement for actions that must be taken before the coroner arrives. If I find Kayla dead, I have agreed to make sure her face is made-up. This will probably involve copious amounts of makeup applied to the wrong parts of the face. Perhaps in a rainbow pattern. Okay, probably in a rainbow pattern. If Kayla finds me dead, she has agreed to make sure my hair is styled. This will probably involve washing my hair by placing my head in the toilet and flushing as she will not be able to lift me into the shower. She will then style my hair, returning my head to the toilet--and then restyling it--as many times as necessary to insure that it's perfect.

What we haven't planned is what will happen after that. Diamonds and beads are nice and all, but I really don't see how they remind you of your loved ones. It has been my longtime intention to wear Kayla's skin like a coat. This is clearly the option that will remind the most of her and our many nights spent spooning where I am, of course, the little spoon. Kayla has expressed a teeny amount of opposition to this, but a recent purchase by the Bloggess has reassured me that this is the correct choice.

*Please see Center Stage: Turn It Up for clarification on why "ballerino" is the best word in the English language. Even though spell check doesn't recognize it as a word. (Related: I just Googled "Kenny Wormald bulge" and got a picture of an old lady. Thankfully it was not a picture of her bulge. (I guess I better add the "Hi Mom" label to this post now.))

Introducing Pop Superstar PEUXPAS CHANTER!

First of all...I'M BACK! I finished my first novel a few weeks ago and have been recovering since, but now I'm back. BECAUSE I LOVE AND MISS YOU!


Since my reimmersion (not the right word AT ALL...but I don't know the correct word; so, I'm going with it. Yes, I'm a writer...) Kayla and I have been trying to fall back off the wagon. We've had some mediocre successes, but usually we're in [the same] bed by 11 on weekend night's. This last weekend we made it all the way until 1:30 at the bar! While at the bar I was berated for not loving Britney Spears. And it's true, I don't love her, but I have a reason: she lip syncs all her concerts. This pisses me off so hardcore! I know that she wouldn't sound the same as the CD, but that's the beauty of it. I LOVE hearing performers live, even if they are a lot less talented than when auto-tuned. Britney also looks ridiculous when she performs duets. I watched videos of duets with both Rihanna and Nicki Minaj. In both cases Britney was tracked and lip syncing while her duet partner was live. IT WAS A JOKE. Not because Britney "out sang" them (both Rihanna and Nicki Minaj are good live), but because it made it even more obvious that Brit was not live.

I have to confess, I've always wanted to be a pop superstar, but I'm not the best singer. Apparently that doesn't matter so I'm pulling out the persona I dreamed up years ago!

My stage name will be Peuxpas Chanter. And I will wear a rainbow fauxhawk wig. I will auto-tune EVERYTHING. Even when I talk normally. And when I do interviews. And I will do things like stop moving my lips while "singing" so that I can get a drink of water. And then on talk shows where they ask about the controversy I will say that I am a ventriloquist. So I WAS singing while I drank water. And then I will pull out a puppet and do ventriloquism to prove it. The puppet will also have a rainbow fauxhawk wig.

Kayla loves everything about this and wants to be a backup dancer/lipsyncer. She also wants to be my publicist and makeup artist which I am fine with. Though she did demand her own tour bus. Though she added, "I'll probably sleep in yours when you're not banging groupies." That brought up a new subject and I pointed out that, as I'm not greedy, she can bang groupies too. That's the best part about one of us being gay and one of us being straight. I get the gay men and she gets the straight ones. It's perfect. We'll have to fight over the bi ones though. We'll probably flip a coin.

Now I just need songwriters and a producer to auto-tune me. I don't need a puppet maker though, I've got that covered. I actually am a ventriloquist.

Have I said too much?

Baby, Baby, Baby, BABY?!

Star, the most reliable news source there is, says Justin Bieber is a daddy. I'm sure you know this, but in case you live under a rock, Mariah Yeater is claiming that she and the Biebs made their bieby after a concert in California last year.

Personally, I don't know why everyone is so upset. I mean, the Biebs was clearly doing research. He currently brings a fan on stage to sing to her, but how long will that satisfy Beliebers? I mean, it is kind of childish. I think he was just researching the next audience participation activity for forthcoming concerts which promise to be more adult:

One lucky fan will be brought on stage and impregnated by Justin Bieber while he sings "Baby!"

Rumor has it that the Biebs will have finished by the end of the first verse, but I'm sure the fan will have passed out from ecstasy anyways.

Also, can we discuss how this Mariah Yeater girl (19 to Bieber's 16 at the time of the incident) is an idiot? She basically went to the court and said "I raped Justin Bieber." I've never seen someone work so hard to get a jail sentence.

She is also probably fearing for her life right now. Has she never heard of Beliebers? Fox, another fantastic news source, is reporting death threats against Yeater. Made via Twitter.

Kayla also believes that this child, the aforementioned bieby, may also be the second coming of the sweet baby Jesus. As she points out, "He was born unto the Virgin Bieber."

Keeping Up With Mike and Kayla

Since it's all anybody's been talking about, I'm sure you've heard that Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from her husband after just 72 days of marriage. A lot of people are upset because home girl actually MADE around $20 million off of her wedding. I'm upset because as a country we allow stupid behavior like a hasty marriage followed by a hasty divorce but we don't allow gay marriage. You know what's ruining the sanctity of marriage? Divorce. Not the gay community.

But I digress, because I didn't come here today to rant about society's problems. I came here to discuss the brilliant decision I've made to follow in Kim K.'s stiletto-ed footsteps, and drag Mike right along with me as usual.

Some people look at Kim K.'s wedding as an exercise in excess and stupidity, but I see her as a total visionary. Most gold diggers have to marry someone wealthy and wait for them to croak before they can collect their millions. But Kim made millions off of the wedding and only had to stay married for 2.5 months. If that's not genius, I don't know what is. Home girl was also smart enough to get a pre-nup, so she really came out on top in this situation.

I told Mike of my plans today:

I think we need to get really really famous and then get married so we can be rich. We can each wear 3 custom Vera Wang gowns. Unless you'd rather have some custom-made suits encrusted with diamonds. I'm okay with that too. But you have to have 3 outfits. And we can each wear $2.5 million diamond headpieces so we look like Armenian princesses. And let's film it all for a 5 hour television special showing us doing nothing but bickering about every single detail until the day we get married.

Then we need to get a divorce for an E! special that we'll make more money off of. Have to keep 'em interested while we're still relevant. We can sit down with Ryan Seacrest and talk about how hard it was for us to be married and blame it on everything but our own piss poor planning.

And then I'll have a fake pregnancy and sell the story to People magazine for a cool million. I'll make sure to be seen out with a bunch of different famous guys first so there's a lot of "who's the baby daddy?" drama for people to speculate about.

Then YOU can have a fake pregnancy and sell the story to People magazine.

And then we can adopt some kids from Africa and sell our first family photo to People magazine for several millions.

Then once we've done so many ridiculous things that people have forgotten about our first ridiculously lavish wedding, we'll get married again and live happily ever after in our castle in France.

The end.

Sounds pretty darn fool-proof to me!

Mrs. Lauren Lauren

While scoping out the interwebs for the most important current events, I ran across an article from People about how Lauren Bush (niece of George W.) and David Lauren (son of Ralph Lauren) got married. I read the headline and immediately alerted Mike to this new development.

Image Source

Me: OMG, Mike! Lauren Bush married David Lauren. Guess she'll be keeping her last name. [continues reading the article] OH MY GOD! SHE'S GOING BY LAUREN BUSH-LAUREN! THAT'S TERRIBLE!!!!!!

Mike: I would have gone by Lauren Lauren.

Me: I would have just married someone else.

[End scene.]

Seriously though, I can't be the only one who feels this way. Would you ever marry someone who's last name sounded horrible with your first name? And if you did, wouldn't you elect to keep your last name rather than sounding completely ridiculous until death (or divorce) do you part? It's certainly something that I would put a lot of thought into. Let's hope they don't decide to name a future daughter Lauren as well. That would just be cruel.

HOT or MESS: Tom Felton in Man Capris

So this is the first of what I suspect will be an on-going series called HOT or MESS. See, I'm one of those people (maybe the only one?) who thinks that "Hot Mess" can be a good or bad thing. For example, if a guy tells me he's a hot mess because he's just wearing basketball shorts and a tee, I think that's hot. But if he's a hot mess because he hasn't showered in five days (read: my ex), that's just gross. In these posts I will seek your opinion on various matters to determine whether a given "hot mess" is hot, or just a mess. Our first subject will be Tom Felton in man capris. Kayla sent me a link to a Gossip Girl post about the image below:

Photo credit: JCalderon / Splash News via Gossip Girl

The post implied that the Rise of the Planet of the Apes star had made a fashion faux pas, but I disagree. I could point out the simple fact that he still looks good, but I'd also like to point out the fact that he's European. Man capris are very European. In fact, when I studied in France what they labeled as "shorts" in their men's boutiques were what we would call capris. So, I think the capris are fine if for no other reason than he's a European dressed in a European manner. *Sarcastic Gasp* How could he!

My verdict: Hot

Kayla has made her opposition to man capris known. What are your thoughts?