Thursday, December 15, 2011

Introducing Pop Superstar PEUXPAS CHANTER!

First of all...I'M BACK! I finished my first novel a few weeks ago and have been recovering since, but now I'm back. BECAUSE I LOVE AND MISS YOU!

Since my reimmersion (not the right word AT ALL...but I don't know the correct word; so, I'm going with it. Yes, I'm a writer...) Kayla and I have been trying to fall back off the wagon. We've had some mediocre successes, but usually we're in [the same] bed by 11 on weekend night's. This last weekend we made it all the way until 1:30 at the bar! While at the bar I was berated for not loving Britney Spears. And it's true, I don't love her, but I have a reason: she lip syncs all her concerts. This pisses me off so hardcore! I know that she wouldn't sound the same as the CD, but that's the beauty of it. I LOVE hearing performers live, even if they are a lot less talented than when auto-tuned. Britney also looks ridiculous when she performs duets. I watched videos of duets with both Rihanna and Nicki Minaj. In both cases Britney was tracked and lip syncing while her duet partner was live. IT WAS A JOKE. Not because Britney "out sang" them (both Rihanna and Nicki Minaj are good live), but because it made it even more obvious that Brit was not live.

I have to confess, I've always wanted to be a pop superstar, but I'm not the best singer. Apparently that doesn't matter so I'm pulling out the persona I dreamed up years ago!

My stage name will be Peuxpas Chanter. And I will wear a rainbow fauxhawk wig. I will auto-tune EVERYTHING. Even when I talk normally. And when I do interviews. And I will do things like stop moving my lips while "singing" so that I can get a drink of water. And then on talk shows where they ask about the controversy I will say that I am a ventriloquist. So I WAS singing while I drank water. And then I will pull out a puppet and do ventriloquism to prove it. The puppet will also have a rainbow fauxhawk wig.

Kayla loves everything about this and wants to be a backup dancer/lipsyncer. She also wants to be my publicist and makeup artist which I am fine with. Though she did demand her own tour bus. Though she added, "I'll probably sleep in yours when you're not banging groupies." That brought up a new subject and I pointed out that, as I'm not greedy, she can bang groupies too. That's the best part about one of us being gay and one of us being straight. I get the gay men and she gets the straight ones. It's perfect. We'll have to fight over the bi ones though. We'll probably flip a coin.

Now I just need songwriters and a producer to auto-tune me. I don't need a puppet maker though, I've got that covered. I actually am a ventriloquist.

Have I said too much?


  1. Need a paparazzi starter? I can follow you around taking pictures and yelling your name. Get a real hype going on around you, you know? I'll so loud and persistent that the other paparazzi will believe you are truly a megastar and will simply have to start following you too.

    Then boom. You're famous. You're welcome.

  2. You, miss, are a GENIUS.