I know you're busy and all, but I'm kind of a VIP so it would be sweet if you would read this letter before deciding what to bring me for Christmas. No need to check that "Naughty or Nice" list. Trust me, I've been VERY good all year.
First of all, I would really love a Slush Mug. I really really love slushie-type beverages, and being able to make wine slushies with ease would really make me happy. Plus I'd be a happy drunk ALL the time and I'd probably use that happiness to go do charity work or something. So giving me a Slush Mug is really like giving to charity, therefore if you don't give me one, that's the equivalent of STEALING from charity. Just something to think about.Your move, Santa.
This next item isn't even for me. See, I'd really like a 26lb Gummy Bear, but there's no way in hell I could eat that whole thing without dying, so I'll share it! With poor kids! And the elderly! Actually, not the elderly. They'd probably get their dentures stuck in it. And poor kids would probably just get cavities.
Okay! I'll be honest. I just want to eat ice cream out of its tummy/bowl. Points for honesty, right?
I don't think it's necessary to explain why I need to own a wine glass that can hold an ENTIRE bottle of wine, do I? If you see me when I'm sleeping and know when I'm awake, you'll realize that my drunken Glee nights are sub-par at best because I constantly have to pause to refill my glass.
This would bring me endless joy every Friday. I would drink all of my beverages out of it at work and it would put me in the greatest mood ever. Plus, "motherfucker" is one of my most favorite words ever. It's like this glass was MADE for me.
Santa, I know you're always watching, so I know you've probably seen some of my less-than-proud moments. Sometimes I'm kind of a hot mess, especially when I'm drinking. This flask will be a constant reminder that I should put my shoes back on and stop acting a fool.
I only want this so I can shoot marshmallows at Mike when he's being a jerkface. Think of it as a behavioral tool. I'm just trying to make sure he stays on the "Nice" list.
This is for when the marshmallows don't work. My last resort will be to slingshot rocks at him.
Or animal poo.
Okay, I don't care who you are, this is FREAKING AWESOME. It would keep me warm AND make me look like a tiger. Plus it matches the awesome tiger slingshot! If you ignore everything else on this list, PLEASE GET ME THE TIGER BLANKET/COSTUME!!!!!!!!!
Santa, I fall a LOT. I also cut myself on sharp things, like paper, a LOT. These snarky adhesive bandages would make me feel a million times better about being a klutz.
This concludes my 2011 Christmas List. I know the elves are busy making toys and shit for kids, so you can conveniently order ALL of these gifts off of the Internet and have them delivered to my house. All you have to do is clicky the "Image Source" links under each picture and type in your credit card number and my address!
How easy was that?
YOU'RE WELCOME, SANTA!