Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Dearly Departed

Merry Christmas! Joyeux Noël! (←Look, my degree is good for something!) I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season and time with their families! We do our best to enjoy their company while we have them in our lives, but what about once they pass on? It is during this time of year that many of us remember our lost loved ones in a variety of different ways;  some traditional, some not. I prefer the ones that aren't.

Person 1: "That diamond necklace is gorgeous!"
Person 2: "Thank you, it's my mother!"
Person 1: "You mean it's your mother's."
Person 2: "Nope. This is my mother. Mom, this is Person 1."

At this point it's probably not news to you that you can turn your loved ones into diamonds. (Note: I asked one of the companies if they have to be dead first and they said yes. Sad ballerino* :( ). Anyways, you may not know that there are other options too! Now you can also turn grandma into beads! The best part is that beads are only hundreds of dollars, not thousands like the diamonds. Also, you can preserve your loved one's hair and make a necklace. That's probably the cheapest option. Please note that I would advise against wearing any of these things while on a date. Unless you met the person on a necrophiliac dating site.

Personally, I don't quite understand why you would go through such extravagant trouble. I should preface this by mentioning that Kayla and I have a plan in place were one of us to die before the other. If all goes according to our plans we will die together in an intimate embrace, but there is an off chance that won't happen. In that case, we have an agreement for actions that must be taken before the coroner arrives. If I find Kayla dead, I have agreed to make sure her face is made-up. This will probably involve copious amounts of makeup applied to the wrong parts of the face. Perhaps in a rainbow pattern. Okay, probably in a rainbow pattern. If Kayla finds me dead, she has agreed to make sure my hair is styled. This will probably involve washing my hair by placing my head in the toilet and flushing as she will not be able to lift me into the shower. She will then style my hair, returning my head to the toilet--and then restyling it--as many times as necessary to insure that it's perfect.

What we haven't planned is what will happen after that. Diamonds and beads are nice and all, but I really don't see how they remind you of your loved ones. It has been my longtime intention to wear Kayla's skin like a coat. This is clearly the option that will remind the most of her and our many nights spent spooning where I am, of course, the little spoon. Kayla has expressed a teeny amount of opposition to this, but a recent purchase by the Bloggess has reassured me that this is the correct choice.

*Please see Center Stage: Turn It Up for clarification on why "ballerino" is the best word in the English language. Even though spell check doesn't recognize it as a word. (Related: I just Googled "Kenny Wormald bulge" and got a picture of an old lady. Thankfully it was not a picture of her bulge. (I guess I better add the "Hi Mom" label to this post now.))

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